Chinese Females’ Dreams
Capstone
What it means when Chinese females dream of their dead relatives.
Abstract
This study investigates SingapoChinese women’s dreams of dead relatives. This paper analyses the sample dreams of several Chinese women living in Singapore. There are indications that these women show their maternal instincts even after the deaths of their relatives. They experience nostalgia and their dreams show this continuity with waking life. This study found correlations between dreaming of dead relations and female gender traits like concerns over nurturing, physical security, mental stability and emotional well-being. Suggestions for future studies would include exploring the scope and consistency of such dreams with Chinese females living in different countries, their levels of education, status, generation, religion and other factors. Therapists working with Chinese female clients and their dreams can help them by being culturally sensitive and aware of the role dreams play in their lives.
Outline
There are Chinese populations all over the world, since mass globalisation has spread Chinese people to countries outside China, like Singapore, Malaysia, Thailand, Myanmar, Cambodia, Indonesia, Philippines, India, Europe, USA, UK, Australia, New Zealand and etc. This discussion is limited to a few Chinese women living in Singapore, and during the time frame of 1966 to 2017. This paper’s discussion is limited to Chinese females living in Singapore, unless otherwise stated. Research shows that dreams about dead people are a common theme for Chinese people and more so for Chinese females (Yu, 2008). The discussion uses dreams from Singaporean Chinese females and this is the reason why this paper will limit the scope to Chinese females living in the country Singapore. These women included my grandmother, my ex-colleague “Maggie”, my ex-classmate “Gina” and myself. The dreams mentioned in this paper were narrated from the memories and written notes of the writer. Nobody was interviewed and no ethics were compromised. At that time of hearing those dreams, I had no intention of using them in my studies. I did not know that I would be referring to them in my thesis. I had not even started studying for my course in psychology. Other unofficial informants were people I had met in life. Their anecdotes are narrated without prejudice.
The Singapore Chinese females dreamed of their dead ancestors doing routine activities like having a meal, and talking to them, giving instructions or warning of impending danger. These dreams depict common activities because they are continuous with waking life. Research articles will back up the argument on why these dream themes are continuous with waking life (Domhoff, 2011). Almost every Chinese person has learned in their culture that the dead chose to appear in a dream to communicate. The Chinese child hears and absorbs from story books, family, neighbors, friends, teachers, classmates, the environment, society, media and other influences. However, there are Chinese people who lack this abundance of input sources. I once met a fellow psychology graduate “Jen”, 22 years old in 2014, who was an intern in the mental hospital. She was a Chinese whose parents were originally from Malaysia. She lives in Singapore with her family, but they do not know or practice Chinese customs. For example, Jen said she was unaware of the Chinese custom to avoid sweeping the floor during the first two days of the Lunar New Year. This supposedly avoids sweeping away the good luck and blessings for the New Year. Jen’s family used to return to Malaysia to stay with her paternal uncle for the holidays and she did not know about these traditions because her parents did not talk to her about this aspect of Chinese tradition.
There could be several types of messages from dreams of the dead. The communication could be about how they are coping in their after life, to continue sharing an old activity performed during waking life, to warn of possible dangers and fulfill unfinished business they wish to see completed. Generally, Chinese souls want to continue talking to their descendants and relatives in dreams to maintain continuity with waking life. This may be true, or the argument could be for other way round; that Chinese females unwittingly trigger dreams of deceased relations because they mourn for them and miss them.
After a Chinese person dies and is buried or cremated, the relatives mourn for 100 days. They wear mourning bands in the form of a piece of small cloth that is pinned to the right sleeve or left sleeve. If the deceased is a female, the brooch is pinned on the right sleeve while the male relative is mourned by the reminder on the left sleeve. The small pieces of cloths to be used are in different colors, depending on the wearer’s relationship to the deceased. A Chinese who knows this tradition, need to see the color of the mourning badge to know the mourner’s relationship with the dead relative. Friends of the deceased do not need to wear this mourning ornament.
Some close relatives also had to wear a piece of cloth folded like a slash diagonally across from the shoulder to the waist. These “scarves” were of different colors like black, blue, beige, pink, green and etc. The wearer was assigned to a particular color to denote their relationship to the deceased. The deceased was my great-grandmother so I was given two scarves to symbolize I was two generations removed. My scarves were lime green and pink. These were cheerful colors to symbolize sweet life for the young. I was told to layer the pink cloth on top of the green one and wear it like a slash across my body. I also had my mourner’s badge which was in the same colors of pink layered on green. The casket company normally provided all the accessories.
During the funeral wake of a Singapore Chinese, mourners visit wearing clothes of sombre colors like black, dark blue, or dark brown. Non-Chinese mourners in Singapore have grown accustomed to Chinese culture and they know not to show up at a wake in bright, gaudy colors of dressing. Food and non-alcoholic beverages are served at the wake. The official mourning period by the old fashioned orthodox custom observers used to be 100 days. The mourners may not wear colourful clothing during these 100 days. Due to modernization, western culture and influences from society, work and personal psychological factors, this mourning period may be reduced to 40 days, or one week. The reasons are practical and aesthetic. Wearing black or a dull color affects the mood, feelings and thoughts of the mourner.
In fact, on the day of the funeral burial, relatives are given brand new white socks to wear, up to the point where the coffin is lowered down into the ground. During the burial of the customary ceremony at the graveyard, the relatives are instructed to remove and toss down their white socks to signify that they have said goodbye to the dead person and is finished with them. The living do not want to be burdened by more trouble from the dead. The relatives then scoop up a handful of mud or soil and toss that down into the coffin. At this point, the relatives may cry, or say goodbye. After the last mound of soil has covered the grave, relatives walk back to their transport vehicles. A member of the family should have prepared to give to all the mourners one “silver piece” each. This is normally a local coin of small denomination wrapped in a piece of red paper. This coin represents good luck to ward off the bad luck from attending a funeral.
My paternal great-grandmother died when I was around 12 years old and she received the honor of a Chinese customary send-off burial, infused with some Christian influences. There probably were many more Chinese customs which I have omitted writing about, or were not conducted at the funeral. Singapore Chinese were separated from mainland China Chinese and did not follow all the old traditions as those in China would. There was a lack of manpower like elders who were more experienced and knowledgeable in customs to provide guidance for the procedures. My paternal great-grandmother was a Protestant and her adult children decided to follow a combination of Protestant and traditional customs of Chinese funeral rites. During her wake, Protestant church parishioners conducted Christian eulogies, sermons, hymn singing and the traditional recounting of old memories to share the deceased’s life.
I dreamed once for my deceased great-grandmother. She smiled at me. Later, when I retold my dream to my grandmother, she said it was bad. The Chinese dream interpretation of a smiling dead relative means they are crying for you. For in the Land of the Dead, a manifested sign means the opposite. This means that when a dead person smiles, she is actually crying for you. The reason why she cried is probably a prediction of the events in your life. It implies your life would not be going smoothly.
Dan Waters, a writer in Hong Kong, noted that the Chinese mourners there may cry loudly to express grief because “This serves as an incentive for the deceased’s spirit to exercise benevolence on descendants” (Waters, 1991, p. 105).
A Singapore Chinese Christian who is getting the funeral rites done may be receiving the Christian rites without the Chinese custom rites of relatives wearing mourning arm badges, white socks and getting coins. The Chinese customs that are conducted may depend on the wishes of the deceased’s family. Religious rites are given priority over ethnic customs.
Three or two generations of Singapore Chinese ago, mourners used to wear their bereavement on their faces, arms and bodies. They refrained from smiling, merry making and wearing colourful clothes for 100 days. Slowly, as the older and first generation of Chinese elders in Singapore died away, the second and third generation of Chinese found they had trouble keeping up with maintaining so many customs. Wearing the mourning badge and clothes slowly became outdated and got reduced to 40 days. Now, in the present 3rd to 5thgeneration of Chinese in Singapore, the people may only wear mourning clothes for a week. It is deemed old-fashioned. When someone wears the markers for mourning, other people in office and society may gossip and create discomfort or trouble. The outlook now is to be homogeneous in dressing and behaviour. In this way, Chinese customs are slowly being ignored and lost. Chinese females from across different generations do still dream of dead relatives. In spite of Chinese culture being eroded by modernization of society and Western influence, Chinese females in Singapore still dream of the dead.
Singapore Chinese visit their relative’s grave or columbarium where the ashes are interred. This is first done after 100 days of the last rites of burial or cremation. These close relatives may pray at the site. They may say their own prayers in any manner of respect, be they Christians, Buddhists, Taoists (the Hanyupinyin name is Daoist/ Daoism) or from any other faith. The first visit may also be postponed and done at one’s convenience. Chinese people believe that visiting the dead makes it known to them that respects have been paid and the dead should leave them alone. This important first visit is the time to let go of bereavement and start a new life and journey. However, some Chinese relatives are deeply affected by this ceremonious visit. I spoke to one of my aunts “Twiggy”, who is my great-grandmother’s granddaughter. She used to tell me stories of her dreams about dead relatives. She also said she had visions of souls gathering around her sofa in the living room, waiting for her daily devotional prayer of the holy rosary. The souls wanted to receive the merits of her prayer, to get some relief for their suffering. Aunt Twiggy was a devout Catholic who prayed for her dead relatives and according to psychological research, people tend to dream of themes that occupy their minds during the day.
Although Singapore Chinese customs say that official mourning should be over on the day the mourning colors are discarded, still some would continue to grieve in their own way. Mourners are known to frequent the resting place of their departed relative. Some have less honorable motives. They pray and offer sacrifices to seek favors. The requests are usually for money, to pass important examinations, to get a good job or other intangible but earthy rewards. I heard from an informant in 2000 that a Chinese widow used to visit daily and cry loudly at the columbarium where her husband’s ashes were interred. This behaviour is not encouraged. The surviving relatives have to let go of the dead to allow them to leave earth peacefully. If the relative cries a lot, then the dead person may have regrets about departing. If the dead can not depart properly, then they linger around to be seen as ghosts. One Chinese tradition is to wish the dead person “Yi Lu Hao Zou”. This is a traditional Chinese phrase in the common Mandarin language. The translation means to have a good journey. Regardless of whether the dead departs in peace or not, the soul/ spirit/ ghost may return to see their relatives in dreams.
A common Singapore Chinese belief is that when one sees a dead person in a dream, it is because of their ghost which has made its appearance. It is considered bad luck to see or talk of negative topics like ghost and death. Generally, the Chinese people avoid speaking of negative topics. It is also rude to speak of negative topics in the presence of outsiders like stranger, guest, distant relative, mere acquaintance, one’s boss and virtually everybody.
Isabel Drake is a reporter for Singapore’s national newspaper called The Straits Times. She interviewed Ms. Ang Jolie Mei, a Singapore Chinese woman, who is a director of her own funeral company. In the news article, Ms. Ang said she took over her father’s funeral service company when he suddenly died. She was 24 years old back then and her mother was worried that she would not get a boyfriend or husband because of her business. Chinese consider it bad luck to be associated with death and negativity. Ms. Ang related an anecdote of how she handed a woman her calling card and when the lady saw she was in the funeral parlour business, she immediately returned the name card. In Chinese culture, it is bad luck to keep the name card of inauspicious and negative business. It is equivalent to being given that kind of card because you may need that service soon. Ms. Ang said: “When I started my own company, I was very sure that I didn’t want a company name that included the word ‘funeral’ ” (Drake, 2017, p.D4). This example showed how even the Chinese woman does not want to portray herself as being associated with negative business like the funeral parlour.
Chinese culture in Singapore has been influenced by Buddhism, Taoism, Christianity, modernization, and Western culture. As was described, the Chinese Protestant funeral rites has both Christian customs and Chinese traditions infused together.
It is common for Chinese people to dream of their dead relatives and this discussion focuses on Chinese females who had dreams on dead relatives. These dreams can consist of a range of imagery but they point to the continuity hypothesis. My paper discusses several Singapore Chinese females’ dreams of their dead relatives and how they show continuity with waking life, threat simulation, communication about the after life and divine intervention. My argument is that almost all dreams about deceased relatives point to the hypothesis that dreams are in continuity with waking life.
Why Chinese females dream of dead relatives?
Dreaming of dead people is a common theme across cultures. Dreaming of deceased relative is even more pronounced as research has discovered people dream of familiar characters more than strangers (Skrzypinska & Slodka, 2014). Singapore Chinese people are usually raised in close knit families and spend most of their adult years in close proximity with their immediate family members. The adult children may continue to live with their parents after leaving school and starting work. After marriage, at least one married adult child may continue to live with their aged parents to care for them. When this younger couple has children, there will be a three-generation family living under one roof. This large family exists with mutual help and co-operation. Of course, not every Chinese family stays together for three generations. Singapore Chinese couples who are divorced usually return to their original families for some help. If they have children and the custody is awarded to one parent, this person may ask their parents, who are the children’s grandparents, to help.
In the event that the family members are unable to help, someone in this circle will reach out to the surrounding society ask for assistance. For instance, when my family could not help me to secure a job, I asked my friends and eventually a Chinese woman from my church recommended an opening for me. When I was in my childhood and young adulthood, my Chinese relatives sometimes enquire about my welfare and may try to persuade my father and grandparents to help me. This is not always the case for Singapore Chinese families. Some parents do not have sufficient resources like time and money, to care for their children. Even the affluent may not want to dip into the pocketbook to finance every whim and fancy or tertiary education for their children. Around 50% of teenagers who complete 10 years of schooling need to find full time or part time jobs to earn money to support their life style. These youths may desire to further their studies with tertiary education but their parents may not continue to provide financial support. This was the situation as far back as I can remember and still is the same in present times. Singapore Chinese parents are concerned about saving money for retirement and may conserve their funds for that purpose.
Singapore gained independence from British colonial rule in 1963 and briefly was part of the Malaya Federation before being unceremoniously booted. Singapore stood on her own as an independent republic in 1965. The local government preached meritocracy to encourage its citizens to work hard to attain their desires. Local Chinese families experienced many changes like economic uncertainty, inflation, rising costs of living, lowering of the standard of living and the policy for population control. These conditions create hardship where the people become desperate to seek help. When they fail to obtain relief from the living, they will try to ask help from the dead.
Singapore Chinese are usually very shy and fight clear of the limelight and controversy in personal affairs. They do not go to the authorities to beg for help, unless they have a “thick skin” and can bear the brunt of humiliation for begging for charity from unfamiliar people. It is easier and less confrontational to try other ways to solve personal problems. Sadly, for these reasons, some people resort to crime for easy money. Chinese people who believe in souls/ spirits/ ghosts in the other world, may try communicating to them for help. In return, they offer food, drinks, paper “hell” money and other paper replicas. The spirits supposedly feast on these offerings. There is no free lunch in the land shared by the living and dead.
Research shows that if a large amount of time is spent on one type of activity or with familiar characters, the dreamer has a tendency to experience dreams of the familiar. Yu (2008) wrote: “The rank orderings of the prevalence rates of the 55 dream themes for the Chinese sample were very similar to those for the Canadian and German samples. The most prevalent dream themes for the Chinese sample were 31, school, teachers, studying; 1, being chased or pursued; 12, falling; and 6, arriving too late” (Yu, 2008, p.7). Yu wrote that for the Chinese, Canadian and German samples; “This result indicated that the prevalence profile of the 55 dream themes was highly similar for the three ethnic groups despite the previously mentioned cross-cultural differences” (Yu, 2008, p.8). For this reason, I think it is appropriate to apply research from Western studies to support my argument. Domhoff (2011) published a table of 13 common categories of dream imagery and their corresponding frequency of occurrence in German men and men. Women dreamed of parents/siblings, spouses/ partners, other family members, friends, familiar characters, travel/ vacation, parties/ cafes/ bars, shopping, and leisure activities more than men did. In contrast, men dreamed of certain categories more than women did. Men had higher percentages of reported dreams in sports, entertainment, school/ work/ politics and “dreams with no familiar elements”. (Domhoff, 2011, p.54). As for dreams which do not show continuity to waking life, Domhoff suggests more research work needs to be done to “… focus their attention on the significant minority of dream reports that have no familiar characters, settings, or activities” (Domhoff, 2011, p.55).
Chinese women tend to dream of familiar people who happen to be their family members. The previous generations of Singapore Chinese women tended to be stay-at-home mothers while the men went out to work. “Compared to women, the men’s dreams are less likely to have familiar characters and familiar leisure time activities, and more likely to have instances of school/work/politics” (Domhoff, 2011, p.55).
More Chinese females than males dream of dead people for the reason that the females have traits that encourage continued anxiety and caring for the deceased. Schmitt, Realo, Voracek & Allik (2008) said that: “Observed sex differences in personality traits such as assertiveness and anxiety also appear to be culturally pervasive” (Schmitt et al., 2008, p.168). This is how they explain why a culture (like the Chinese) have females who are anxious about the physical needs and well-being of her family and close relatives. Other cultures may not promote traits like anxiety in their females or males. The researchers said that the social role model approach explained that “… most sex differences are assumed to result from exposure to sex role socialization, a process whereby culture defines the appropriate ways of thinking, feeling, and behaving for men and women” (p.169). For example, an act of nurturing by a Singapore Chinese female “… in a collectivist and traditional culture might be dismissed as more compliance with sex role norms” (Schmitt, 2008, p.170).
Singapore Chinese culture raises females to be anxious, tender-minded, nurturing and conscientious in caring for family, relatives and friends. These traits are so ingrained that they become personality traits in Chinese women. This explains why they continue to care about the deceased’s after life. They think about them, pray for them, cook for them in ancestral worship and visit their final resting places. These Singapore Chinese women are still anxious, conscientious and tenderminded toward their dead. Moreover, a Singapore Chinese female researcher has written that: “If properly cared for, the dead would become caring ancestors and a source of help and blessings; if not, they could turn into malignant spirits” (Chew, 2009, p.9).
The social role of Singapore Chinese women has not changed drastically since the Chinese settled on the island in the mid-1800s. Singapore women are educated and enjoy respectable status in society. Yet women are still in charge of the kitchen, domesticities, child-rearing as well as caring for all live under the roof. Women today are pampered with modern conveniences like catered food, home deliveries of groceries/ food, electrical appliances for every domestic chore, easily available transport and other privileges. They are not entirely freed from the kitchen or domesticities. They are not allowed to relinquish their social role model. This means when they are deadlocked in problems, they will continue to seek help. The Chinese believe that their dead relatives may have the power to help them out of inextricable circumstances. Singapore Chinese women will continue to think of their beloved dead relatives and dream of them.
This could be because females by gender, are physically smaller and weaker in stature. They desire mental stability, physical security and emotional well-being. Initially, at the beginning, children depend on parents for their primary needs but after reaching adulthood, they have to become independent in some of these areas. Females then turn towards friends, fellow humans, dead ancestors, religion, witchcraft or other supernatural sources for satisfying desires. A research writer wrote that “86% of Singaporeans have a religion and half of these people devote everyday of the week to some religious activity or other” (Chew, 2009, p.4). This evidence shows a heavy reliance on religion . Even if they do not obtain their wishes, at least they get some mental and emotional relief in their belief that their wishes are being communicated and they nurture hope of receiving wish fulfilment. The clinician should try to interview the dreamer to discover their connections with the deceased, issues with present circumstances and wish fulfilment for the future. Follow-up questions can include asking what kinds of resources are available to achieve these desires. Chinese Catholics pray to powerful dead icons in the Church like the saints, to get help for their petitions. If a therapist knows that the client has a strong belief in their religion, then it should be suggested that religious practice be done to accompany therapy. Medication may be prescribed if necessary.
If the Singapore Chinese woman requires urgent material help, the clinician may suggest more tangible sources to increase the pool of resources. The government has its Ministry of Social and Family Development to provide counselling, financial assistance and other social services. Some local Chinese women are shy to approach government departments to beg for help. This trait is also found in Taiwanese Chinese. A group of researchers in Taiwan, Tien, Lin & Chen ( 2006) did a study on 574 college students whose average age was 21. 67 years old. They wrote that their sample of college students became more receptive and positive towards dream therapy after experiencing how helpful it can be after one session. Tien et al. noted that among their sample population, the Taiwanese Chinese who had “high levels of collective self-esteem reported less positive attitudes toward help-seeking among Taiwanese” (Tien et al., 2006, p.12). Apparently Taiwanese with confidence did not favor searching for help. One trait of Chinese tradition teaches self-dignity and shame which retrains a person from begging for help. This custom is so common among Chinese that it is common not only in Singapore, but also in Taiwan, where it has been recorded by the researchers. Tien et al. wrote: “For Asian people, who inclined not to seek for professional help because of feeling ashamed to tell personal problems in front of strangers, dream work can provide psychological benefits out of their expectation” (Tien et al., 2006, p.13). This characteristic of self-restraint in seeking help can explain why Singapore Chinese females are known to pray to ancestors and engage in religious activities to seek help. Their belief in dead people contacting them in dreams is so strong that they would see a dream with negative content as a threat simulation to warn them of potential danger. The therapist may have to handle resistance, anxiety, fears and other psychological issues before the client is able to accept this suggestion.
It seems Singapore Chinese women turn towards ancestral worship and religion when they face challenges in waking life. Their thoughts, emotions, anxiety and stress may have triggered dreams of beloved dead ancestors.
Why do Chinese females dream of dead relatives engaged with them in activities like eating and talking?
A dream of a dead relative is likely to be a memory replay of past activities in the normal routine of waking life (Wamsley & Stickgold, 2010). The living person may be mourning their loss and having dreams of the dead relation is the brain’s response. Research has shown that the brain may replay recent memory of a novel learning experience. The clinician should recommend their client to engage in a relaxing activity before sleep so that the dreamer gets a positive dream instead of the old dream of the deceased relative.
Why Chinese women dream of dead ancestors in the after world?
Chinese culture says that souls of the dead journey to the after world, which may be hell or heaven. Usually Chinese souls descend to hell, or are reincarnated in various forms of life, to atone for misdeeds. Singapore Chinese believe that when a fellow Chinese dies, the soul may travel to one of six destinations which are hell, heaven, rebirth as an animal or human baby, to become a ghost or a buddha. The destination depends on the merits which the person had accumulated during the lifetime. There are several opinions on what happens after a Chinese person dies. Another view says that a Chinese may have several souls/ spirits as they may manifest in different forms like a heavenly soul, earthly soul or terrestrial soul. Hong Kong Chinese are nearer to China and they are able to maintain traditions and culture better. I liked Dan Waters’ account of a Chinese woman’s funeral and I have decided to use his text as a reference as I agree with its accuracy (Waters, 1991). Waters said: “Although one of the above six destinations is the normal fate of a person’s heavenly soul, earthly souls reside in graves or ancestral tablets to be worshipped by descendants. Terrestrial souls can be divided between tablets or altars in family members’ homes and in ancestral halls. Views vary on this ‘multiple-soul’ principle as do those from theologians, regarding life after death for a Christian” (Waters, 1991, p.108). Waters has recorded a deceased woman’s relatives’ dreams which they believed were communication from her spirit. He said: “Dreams played an important part in this study” and continued to narrate about the dreams (Waters, 1991, p.126-127).
Singapore Chinese culture practices ancestral worship to offer food, clothing and money, to send to the dead. The sacrificial offerings are burned because that is the way to send them into the other world. A made-in-Singapore movie called “The Maid” has cinematography on what happens during the Chinese seventh Lunar month (Tong, 2005). This is the annual Month of the Hungry Ghost. Tradition says during the month of the 7th moon of the year, the gates of the underworld are opened and ghosts move out into earth. They roam around in search of food. Chinese families offer food, fruit and other edibles to sate the hunger of relatives’ ghosts. After they take care of their relations, they then offer the same to wandering ghosts in the street outside their home. They place the food offerings on the ground of a public place. They burn specially printed “hell money” that is meant for ghosts in the underworld. The Singapore Chinese believe when these ghosts are satisfied, they will not haunt the living. The exact date of offering the feast for the hungry ghosts is on the 15th day of the 7th lunar month of the year, but Singapore Chinese may start to burn paper offerings and food throughout the seventh lunar month.
Chinese females are more engaged in preparing food and bringing it to the ancestors’ graves than Chinese males. Since the females are spending more time doing the preparatory work, they have lasting impressions and memories of the process and may have dreams relating to the ancestors who were the main reason why the preparations were done. When ancestral worship features prominently daily in waking life, memories are triggered for replay in dreams. Sometimes, the dream imagery may show the deceased in a new and happy environment and this type of dream allegedly reassures the dreamer that there is no need to worry for the deceased. Chinese books and movies feature ghosts in the netherworld and the Chinese female who has seen these may have dreams about them. Some examples of Chinese fiction that concentrate on plots with ghosts and dreams are “Hundred Secret Senses” by American Chinese author Amy Tan and “True Singapore Ghost Stories: Volume 1-25” by Singapore writer Russell Lee. Examples of successful box office hits are Singapore director-scriptwriter Kelvin Tong’s movie The Maid and Lee and Boo’s The Gods Must Be Crazy.
Traditional Chinese observe the annual Qing Ming, translated as Tomb Sweeping Day. This practice is as what the title describes; descendants visit their ancestors’ graveyard, to clear weeds and accumulated dirt. Just as the Catholics have All Souls Day on November 2nd yearly, this is the Chinese All Souls Day.
Chinese people buy silver and gold embossed joss paper, paper replicas of worldly objects and food to bring to their ancestors’ graves. They believe they can send these objects to The Other World by burning them into the other realm. Food does not burn easily so that is eaten up, or thrown away at the end of the visit. The living pray to the dead, to communicate, and plead for blessings. Some Chinese believe their filial piety is measured by the quantity of offerings and they spend much to send to the Netherworld. In measures to combat the tons of ashes and leftovers, the authorities have advised to tone down the quantities of offerings. It is the thought that counts. Token offerings can suffice to show respect.
The variety of offerings brought for ancestral worship depends on culture and sub-groups within each person’s customised culture. Chinese Taoists bring Chinese tea, rice wine, fruits, pastries and cooked food.
Alas, not every Chinese pick up their ashes, unwanted food and other trash. The waste is left behind for cemetery cleaners. The additions to carbon are unfriendly to Earth. The authorities have started educating people to reduce wastage and garbage by reducing the amount of material goods brought for Qing Ming. Certain countries and areas have advocated to use flowers and incense as offerings on Chinese All Souls Day.
Virtual Qing Ming Jie
This section is being updated soon.
The clinician can try to enquire about this Chinese person’s cultural and religious practices. Therapy can be assisted along with cultural practices that will reassure the dreamer that proper rituals are conducted to help the dead.
Why do the Chinese dream of ancestors talking about omens?
Ancestors may have spoken about dangers and risks attached to various scenarios. Dreaming of ancestors giving a prophecy is a kind of threat simulation (D’Amato, 2010). This type of dream may be experienced especially after the person has seen a threat and is reminded of what the ancestor had warned about during their waking life. The clinician should be alerted when the client speaks about such types of dreams. The omen would be about a prevalent problem that should be discussed in therapy.
Why do Chinese women dream of their dead relatives giving instructions to do a task?
The living person knows about some unfinished business that involved the dead relative. This person may be having a guilty conscience or is troubled by the issue. The problem may be about failure to give the deceased a proper burial and funeral rites (Hinton et al, 2013). The dream about the dead relation asking to do something is the living person’s creation, because of thoughts on that topic that preoccupied the brain. The clinician can help the dreamer to explore the dream and leave it up to the client’s discretion whether they want to carry out the task.
Chinese women dream more of their dead ancestors and relatives than other dead people who were unrelated to them.
Research showed that a dreamer is likely to have dreams on what he has spent many waking hours engaged in. If the person spent many hours on prayer, meditation and religious activities, he is likely to dream of a religious activity, than a non-religious one (Salem et al., 2013; Salem et al., 2009). All things discussed, the dreamer may be in mourning and dreaming of the dead person is one way of seeking closure. This may be especially so if the dream imagery shows the deceased in a new environment. If the dream shows a pleasant new environment, the dreamer is reassured to let go and move on. If the dream shows a sad or horrible environment, then the dreamer is motivated to perform rituals to help the soul of the dead. Chinese people care about the after life of their deceased relatives because they believe the soul goes somewhere after the body dies. The clinician should investigate the factors behind the client’s emotional attachment to the deceased, assist in the grieving process and help them find closure.
Do the old or present generation of Chinese females get dreams of their dead relatives?
The old generation of Singapore Chinese were strongly embedded in cultural traditions which were passed down by word of mouth. That generation of Chinese women were not well educated and many could not read Chinese words written in Mandarin language. The spoken languages were dialects that originated from geographic regions in China. Some of the common dialects were Hokkien, Cantonese, Teochew and Hakka. Immigrants from China brought their dialects to Singapore and these spoken languages continued to be used. When Singapore gained independence and established herself as a republic in 1965, the new government tried to unite all the different dialect speakers by enforcing Mandarin to be studied as the Mother Tongue, or second language in schools. This was difficult for Singapore Chinese as the past British Empire’s colonization deleted the formal study of the common Chinese script in schools. The formal language of communication in Singapore, where this writer stays, is the English language.
Slowly, cultural heritage was getting submerged by the evangelization of Christianity, whose propagation was aided by the availability of literature in English language. The first Christian church that was built in Singapore was the Armenian church, which was completed in 1836. It was built by the Armenian trader community for their worship and was named the Armenian Apostolic Church of Saint Gregory the Illuminator. William Milne, a Christian missionary based in Melaka (present spelling Malacca) started sending missionaries from 1815 to 1845. It was very difficult to preach Christianity to Chinese people. Roxborogh, a writer from New Zealand, researched on the early Protestant and Catholic churches in Malaya in the early 19thcentury. He wrote that the missionary Milne experienced that “The main problems were the multitude of dialects and lack of interest in his message. It seemed “impossible to gather hearers” – it was hard to get even ten and Sunday was a working day. Such Christians as there were did not set a good example and Protestants were no better than Catholics” (Roxborogh, 1990, p.7) Roxborogh said: “In the next 30 years the Mission was to send 26 missionaries to Melaka, Penang, Singapore and Java” (Roxborogh, 1990, p.3) The evangelization of Singapore was slow as the movement was not smooth. Roxborogh explained that: “The departure of the LMS and the American missions meant that after the 1840s Christianity was represented in the Straits Settlements by groups who frequently had difficulty recognizing one another as sharing the same faith” (Roxborogh, 1990, p.17). The French Catholic mission was attributed to have worked hard in Singapore as: “A new church was built in 1802 and used until 1857 when the present site in Farquhar Street was obtained” (Roxborogh, 1990, p.11). There is a lack of formal academic literature in Google Scholar to provide articles on the development of Christianity in Singapore in the 20th and 21st century.
When Chinese people wanted to read about culture and traditions, they would usually be reading in the English language. Translations or newly written literature on Chinese customs were incomplete and less popular. Chew (2009) wrote a paper on Daoist youths in Singapore. She said that: “As Daoism is mainly practiced by the Chinese, incompetency in Chinese language and dialects tend to hold back an interest in such a research” (Chew, 2009, p.4).Chinese women changed from ancestral worship to religious Christian worship. Chew wrote that: “Two religions have absorbed the departing Daoists adherents – namely Christianity and Buddhism. For example, Christianity grew dramatically from 10.9% in 1980 to 14.4% in 1990 to 16.5% in 2000. Buddhism has also grown steadily from 34.3% in 1980 to 39.4% in 1990 to 53.6%” (Chew, 2009, p.5). The Chinese who used to worship mythical gods in heaven, ancestors, legendary deities in literature, objects, spirits and other beliefs, slowly left them behind. This is despite the past dreams from dead relatives. One reason could be the Chinese realizing that they could not get more of what they were seeking from ancestors and superstitions.
The clinician may examine what are the differences between the older generation of Singapore Chinese females and the present generation of adult and young adult females. The factors that have changed may have a relation to the types of dreams in the present time.
Does the Chinese woman’s religion matter in determining who dreams of dead relatives?
The paper will mention one dream sample, where an older Chinese woman has converted to Protestant Christian, and then having dreams of her deceased spouse and other dead relatives. Prior to her conversion, she was not a firm believer of any organized religion and did not talk about seeing dreams of dead relations. Coincidentally, the other woman’s dream sample was also obtained when she was a Catholic and not while she was a non-believer. It could be that before the Chinese women converted to organized religions, they did not spend as much time in contemplation of heaven, and what happens after death. The clinician who has Catholic and Christian clients should read up on these religions and be knowledgeable on the diversity of religions. If the therapist is uncomfortable about counselling the client, then this should be told to the client and a referral should be offered.
Conclusion
Chinese women dream of dead relatives because they mourn for them, miss them in waking life, remember their shared experiences, believe in after life, wish to continue to care for them and seek their blessings, guidance and protection. The thoughts and feelings of waking hours influence the brain to replay memories of the dead in dreams. Since dreams of the dead are mainly of normal activities that reflect waking hours, they give the impression that dreams continue waking life.
Chapter One – Introduction
This thesis is about why Singaporean Chinese females dream of their dead relatives and how it affects them in their waking life. The personal implications for a Chinese female who had a dream of a deceased relation would be mental disturbance, and disruption to daily functioning.
Scholars and therapists should be interested to know more about what it means for the Chinese females when they dream of dead relations. The dreamer may have unresolved issues with the deceased. Therapists should discover what are the troubles that lurk behind the dreams. Therapists can also look into the grieving process and assist to terminate the mourning for the dead and move on to healing.
Suggestions for future research may include exploring the circumstances under which Chinese females dream of their dead ancestors. What can be done to address the true factors that created the dreams of dead relatives? Do Chinese females living in other countries also get dreams about their ancestors? Are therapists in countries without predominant Chinese populations addressing the issues of Chinese females with these dreams? Does the religion of the Chinese female dreamer affect the types of dreams she would be getting? It is hoped that as more information becomes available, clinicians will be empowered to design customized therapy to help clients who are troubled by dreams of dead relatives.
Singapore Chinese are united by ethnicity but may have unique differences in their family traditions. For instance, a local Chinese family may practice traditional Chinese customs, and may include Buddhism, Taoism, ancestor worship and worship of deities in legends/ fables/ folklore & etc. A Chinese person may visit a Buddhist temple, and a Taoist temple. There may be an altar at home to pay patronage to ancestors, the Goddess of Mercy, Kitchen God, Monkey God, The Three Immortals and etc. In my childhood, I met a female China immigrant who worked as a domestic maid in Singapore. She told me that there were Chinese people who pray to old coconut trees. It was said that old trees had spirits residing in them. This belief is similar to those from other local cultures.
Chapter Two – Literature Review
The readings throw light on Singapore Chinese culture, local Chinese females, Chinese customs, ancestral worship and related beliefs. It all started with Singapore Chinese females assuming the social role of nurturing mother figure. She continues to feel anxiety and care for her deceased relative after the funeral. Her thoughts in waking hours trigger dreams of the dead relative. Typical dreams of the dead involve visitation, salutation, nostalgia and prophecy.
Why do Chinese females living in Singapore dream of their dead relatives?
Chinese females are usually tasked with the responsibility of taking care of household chores. The matriarch of the family takes the priority of being the person with status and power to delegate chores and tasks to other family members. It is customary for females to be assigned domestic chores. In the absence or inability of the matriarch to perform domesticities, another female member of the family takes over. Chinese females spend a large portion of their time doing housework. Any family member who has a request is likely to convey it through the matriarch or another female who is likely to show empathy and maternal instinct enough to assist. Chinese females tend to be close to their family members and this may extend to other relatives as well.
Chinese females may seek help from ancestors, deities, mythical gods, legendary divine superpowers, religion and beliefs to advance their desires. There is some evidence to show that these females seek help because of some concerns. Their dreams that are frequently dreamed are those about concerns of personal security, fear of being late and other negative content (Yu, 2008).
Yu (2008) showed evidence that Chinese females tend to seek help because of their gender. This researcher collected study data from the Typical Dreams Questionnaire (TDQ). He looked at samples from America, Japan, Canada and Germany. The results showed “… similarities in the prevalence profiles of the 34 typical dream themes between the two cultures” (Yu, 2008, p.2) The cultures in reference are American and Japanese. Yu wrote in his research paper that whatever holds true for them, probably applies for the Chinese too. Moreover: “… the relative incidence of typical dreams is quite stable across both time periods and populations” (Yu, 2008, p.2). Yu wanted to say that generation after generation, the common dream themes remain the same. More specifically, generations of Chinese female will continue to dream of dead ancestors.
Yu (2008) wanted to produce evidence to show this trend. He recruited 348 university students in Hong Kong; of which 107 were men and 241 were women. The participants’ mean age was 20.68. These participants completed the TDQ and results were tabulated. He found that 48.6% of males and 68% of females dream of “A person now dead as alive”; as in talking to the dreamer in a dream. (Yu, 2008, p.4).
Yu (2008) showed that Chinese females had more dream themes that triggered threat simulation. For example, females had higher percentage and frequency of dream themes like being chased, falling, being frozen with fright, being physically attacked, and seeing a dead person returning to life and etc. (Yu, 2008). Chinese women by gender showed tendency to be more preoccupied with threat simulation and the dead in dreams. This may be due to gender traits like showing concerns over nurturing environment, physical and mental stability and emotional well-being. I have discussed why more Chinese females than males dream of dead relatives. But why do they dream more of their deceased relations and not of dead people in general? It could be because people dream of familiar characters to continue waking life. Polish researchers Skrzypinska & Slodka, (2014) also found that female dreamers had more frequency of dreaming of “dead/ imaginary dream characters. There were also higher aggression/ friendliness and physical aggression percent than in norms group” (Skrzypinska & Slodka, 2014, p.27).
Singapore Chinese women may lack a feature which makes them rely on dreams and divine intervention. Schmitt et al. (2009) said that: “In societies in which longevity is threatened by poor health, in which only a fraction of people have opportunities for a good education, and in which people suffer from economic hardship; the development of one’s inherent personality traits is more restrained” (Schmitt, 2009, p.180). This may explain why many Singapore Chinese females behave as though they were incompetent to deal with challenges and they turn towards dreaming for help to come.
Studies from non-Chinese cultures may be used as evidence to support claims because it was shown that there were “… remarkable stabilities in relative dream incidence …” and gave evidence from studies showing “remarkable consistencies in the relative percentages of the most common dream themes between the total Canadian sample and Griffith et al.’s (1958) American and Japanese samples” (Yu, 2008, p.2) Yu said that “there were very few changes in the nature and prevalence of typical dreams despite a time lag of about 40 years between their studies and that of Griffith et al. Accordingly, the relative incidence of typical dreams is quite stable across both time periods and populations” (p.2).
Chinese female dreamers identified characters in their dreams as their relatives. They are able to do so because “… the identification is based on: appearance, face, behaviour, social role, relationship to dreamer and logical deduction” (Skrzypinska & Slodka, 2014, p.24). These two researchers designed a study to investigate how dreamers knew they were included in their dreams. From self-awareness, the researchers carried on to examine how dreamers did character identification. This research was done in Poland and “It was found that there are signific antly more family members in women’s dreams than in men’s dreams …” (Skrzypinska & Slodka, 2014, p.25).
The clinician should explore associated themes with the dreamer. Perhaps there are unfinished business with that deceased relative which explains the continuity of the theme in the dream. Some unresolved issues can be mourning the death, interrupted social dealings, need for the deceased’s presence for security, guilt over incomplete closure and etc. If the clinician discovers that the client may need to perform cultural practices to release mental stress and emotional guilt, then the recommendation may be made to seek the right person to assist in cultural or religious rites for closure.
A group of researchers based in the USA and Australia examined cultural context and role of dreams of the dead in Cambodia. There are many Chinese living there. This article is used because of the similarities Cambodian Buddhists share with Chinese culture. The researchers said there were three main types of dreams of the dead. The categories are: “ ‘visitation’, ‘nostalgia’ and ‘trauma’ ” (Hinton, Peou, Joshi, Nickerson & Simon, 2013, p.445). These categories can be applied to the Singapore Chinese females’ dreams that will be discussed in this paper.
Wing, Lee & Chen (1994) have done research to uncover the types of Chinese people’s dreams and they found evidence in China: “Around 403-221 B.C. , in the late pre-Chin period, the first book about sleep and dreams appeared in Chinese history, Zhou li/ Chun Guan. This book recorded that the government set up a type of imperial officers who acted as ‘dream interpreters’ and classified dreams into six types: Zheng-meng (dreams of normal daily trivialities), Si-meng (dreams of loved ones), Wu-meng (dreams while being half asleep and with a cloudy consciousness or daydreaming), Xi-meng (delightful dreams), Ju-meng (fearful dreams) and E-meng (dreams of surprise)” (p.609). This Chinese method of dream classification has some similarities with Hinton et al.’s categories whose category of nostalgia corresponds with the ancient Chinese class of Zheng-meng (dreams of normal daily trivialities). Hinton et al.’s category of trauma corresponds to the Chinese class of Ju-meng (fearful dreams). Hinton et al.’s category of visitation dreams correlates to the Chinese class of Si-meng (dreams of loved ones). Wing et al. said that “Since ancient times, Chinese people have believed that the soul of a person is vulnerable to the influence of spirits during sleep” (p.609). This suggested that dreams may be caused by spirits. There is an old folklore that says dreams of the dead are caused by ghosts who visited the sleeper. It is difficult to prove this so another thread of reasoning is discussed. Wing et al. interviewed their sample of participants in their study to discover if there were any triggers for dreams. They found that: “Tiredness, sleep deprivation, stress and irregular sleep were commonly reported as unusual preceding events” (p.610). More work has to be done to confirm that these are triggers for every dream. The therapist whose client speaks about having a dream, should ask if they had encountered these factors like tiredness, lack of sleep, irregular sleep patterns and stress.
Singapore Chinese women’s relationship with death
Singapore Chinese women have been tasked with taking care of her family members, domestic chores, and if she is working outside home, she has to manage that too. These women become obsessed with management of domesticities. Not only do they manage their own designated turf, they also have a streak of competitiveness. They feel the compulsion to make arrangements so that they maintain control, or gain the upper hand. For instance, when they have a terminal illness, they would plan for their funeral, down to the last detail. The Chinese Christian woman would try to discover how she could attain a good after life. If she is told that she has to accomplish the pre-requisites like saying prayers every day, donating money to the church and poor and etc., she would be going all out to win eternal life. This kind of behavior is typical of the Singapore Chinese woman. If the Chinese woman is a Buddhist or Taoist, she would perform similar actions as according to religious teachings, to attain a good after life. Singapore Chinese women worry too much and do not let go when faced with death.
Catherine Lim is a Singapore Chinese writer who has written more than 20 books in different genres. She is well respected for her views. In her latest book “An Equal Joy: Reflections on God, death and belonging”, she also written about death and how local women prepared for it. One woman, nicknamed QT, took charge of planning her funeral right down to the last detail. Lim wrote that after attending QT’s funeral wake, she had a dream: “That night I had a dream in which I was watching and cheering QT doing a marathon. In the wild nonsensicality of dreams, she was dressed, not in a T-shirt and shorts, but a pretty sequinned dress and high heels. As she reached the finishing line, she gave a loud shout and showed, not a victory sign, but the middle finger. I was convinced it was meant for the obnoxious Grim Reaper, and that my dream was some kind of empathic connection with this feisty woman” (Lim, 2017, p.27). Lim may have experienced the dream as a consequence of seeing how QT wrestled control back into her hands.
For good measure, Lim included another example of a woman nicknamed BT who also exhibited the control streak when facing fatal illness. Lim said: “If she could no longer hope for life, perhaps death might not be a bad thing if it opened up the way for an equally good afterlife” (Lim, 2017, p.31). These examples showed that Singapore Chinese women hated to lose out to other women and men. When they are diagnosed with terminal diseases, they will fight to the end. After learning that they had no hope for recovery, they wrestled back some control by planning for their funerals and after life. As the women put so much effort to maintain control of their after life, they would surely return as ghosts if they were permitted to do so.
Some of the Singapore Chinese females’ sample dreams are below.
What kinds of dead people portend what kinds of events?
I am a fourth generation Chinese, living in Singapore. My paternal great grandparents, who were my grandfather’s parents, were the first generation of Chinese of our family tree in Singapore. They were born in the Province called Fujian whose sub-provincial city is Xiamen in China and emigrated to Singapore for a better life. I have no idea how they lived in China but it must have been a struggle for them to decide to make the perilous journey across the seas to reach Singapore. I have limited information on how they lived in Singapore. I know they worked and operated a warehouse near one of the waterways. Singapore depended on trade and most of the travel routes were via water. They had five sons and one daughter. My grandfather was the third son. When he was a very young child and before he started school, my great-grandfather brought him back to China to visit relatives, obtain blessings from ancestors in China, and may be also to conduct some business dealings. During the voyage, the ship was tossed around in tumultuous sea and hygiene on board was wanting. My grandfather fell ill and it was with great difficulty and suffering that he recovered. He returned to Singapore, went on to study in Raffles Institution, which was a prestigious school. He managed to win a scholarship and went to England to study Mathematics. He was blessed by his ancestors. After graduation, he returned to work and live in Singapore. My great-grandparents died long before I was born. I only set eyes on them by way of their photographs, which enjoyed a privileged position at the altar table.
My paternal grandparents practiced ancestral worship and prayed to their deceased parents. After my grandmother converted to the Protestant faith, the framed portraits of her in-laws still occupied the central position as the place of honor in the house. The one striking difference was that nobody burned incense sticks (joss sticks in local term) to worship these ancestors. These ancestors did not show up in a dream to admonish my grandmother. We reasoned they had long gone to their places and were no longer around.
My paternal grandmother’s mother lived well into her 80s and I was fortunate to have enjoyed several good years knowing her. My great-grandmother was a Protestant convert to the Christian faith so my grandmother did not set up an altar to worship her as a saint or ancestor. I am writing about the people whom I shall be mentioning later. I have used my relatives’ dreams as examples because I believed in them and trusted their narratives.
Dream of a dead relative going traveling
My grandfather died in February 2000. I missed his funeral wake as I was recovering from surgery and could not walk. About one week after his passing, I dreamed of seeing him. He was saying farewell to me before leaving on a tour. I begged him to take me with him because I wanted to see the world too. He firmly refused and I woke up from my dream. I narrated my dream to my grandmother and she said my health was not strong. She said I had dreamed of the dead because I was weak and most probably, my grandfather had come to see me in my dream, because he wanted to take me away. If I went away with him into the netherworld, I would have died. My dream portended my death. I told her that he was the one who declined to allow me to accompany him on his travels. She then asked me what was the color of his clothes in my dream. I told her he was wearing a dark colored suit and she confirmed that was his attire that the undertaker had dressed him in. The business suit did not quite fit as he had gained some weight since it was made. The undertaker did the usual strategy used to make the coat fit. H e cut a slit at the back of the coat, right down the center. This way, the coat could be pulled to cover the deceased’s front and be buttoned. She believed I had the dream because I told her a piece of information which corresponded to reality. I did not attend his funeral and was unaware of the color of his attire. She said that I saw my grandfather in the dream wearing his funeral suit in which he was sent off and she believed I had the dream. Some Chinese believe that the dead would be traveling and seen in the clothes they were buried in, or cremated in. There are Chinese people who believe that dark colors, especially black, are funeral colors and should be avoided. The dead should not be dressed in very dull colors like dark colors as they should be presented as happy to leave this world. My grandmother was a very practical woman and she used my grandfather’s old business suit that was kept from the days when he was working. Practicality ruled over customs.
Wenli Zhang, a scholar in China, has written to explain how the ghost world was actually a concept created by Buddhism. After a Chinese person died, his soul had six possibilities for the next life. It could “… ascend to the heaven, to continue to the people’s life, to drop for the domestic animal, to go to hell, to become hungry ghost, to go to asura” (Zhang, 2009). My dream said my grandfather may have continued to be a human being as he was going traveling in his human form. He loved traveling and used to accompany his boss or any department that was traveling out. Dreaming of him indulging in his favorite pastime was credible for me. My dream showed a continuation of what he loved to do in his waking life.
My grandfather was an atheist. He refused to be converted into Christianity. Neither was he a Buddhist, Taoist nor practiced any religion. He admired Confucius and almost everything Chinese. The only type of act he conducted that had vague links to organized religion was ancestral worship. He respected his parents and would pray at their altar on every Chinese ceremonial feast day. He was diagnosed with Stage 4 colon cancer at an advanced stage and lived for only two months after his diagnosis. Such is the level of medical competency in Singapore, where the GP failed to detect symptoms of illness during regular medical check-ups until it was too late. He did not smoke nor drink but hated to eat vegetables and fruit because he had difficulty chewing fiber with his dentures. When he was hospitalized, he was fed intravenously. His doctors told us to prepare ourselves. My grandmother arranged for an elder from her church to visit him at his bedside. This elder asked my grandfather a few questions like did he believe in Christ and talked about a few other Christian doctrines. When the answers were affirmative, the elder deemed my grandfather could be allowed to have a Christian funeral. Not long after, he passed away and was given a Christian funeral.
A Chinese female friend of mine who I shall call Carrie, was a die-hard Catholic, told me that only Christian souls could appear in the dream of a Catholic person. If I apply her logic, that would explain why my grandmother’s mother did not appear to me in my dreams because I was not a baptized Christian nor Catholic at the time of her death. However, even after my baptism, I did not receive any dreams about my great-grandmother. Carrie’s logic may explain why I got my dream about seeing my grandfather, because he became a believer in Jesus at his deathbed and thus had a Christian soul. Carrie knew about Chinese customs and folklore but she said she did not believe in them. She chose to sweep all inconveniences under the carpet. She quoted points to support her arguments and ignored the issues that did not fit into her logic of reasoning why a Singapore Chinese female would be dreaming about her dead ancestors. While the Singapore Catholic Church acknowledges the existence of the supernatural, the priests warn the congregation not to meddle in non-Catholic activities like dream interpretation.
Dreaming of many dead relatives
My paternal grandmother used to narrate dreams of seeing her dead relatives. She saw her parents, parents-in-law, siblings and cousins. She said she was afraid after waking up and recalling her dream. She believed it was a soul-calling visitation because tradition said the dead visit to bear bad omens like death. This type of dream may suggest her waking concerns with nostalgia, grieving for the dead, and being fearful for her life after loved ones have died.
Dream of a dead spouse engaged in a routine experienced in waking life
In 2000, after my grandfather’s death, my grandmother narrated a dream to me. She dreamed of her deceased husband; my grandfather. She said the two of them were at a restaurant. They had ordered a dish of prawns, which are also known as shrimp. She was shelling a few prawns for him. It was normal in Chinese culture to perform the menial but meaningful task for her spouse. Suddenly, she was shaken awake by her son, who is my father. “Mother, wake up!” he said. “You have been asleep for many hours and it is now time to eat dinner!” My grandmother replied, “Why have you awoken me? I was dreaming about having dinner with your father. I was peeling some prawns for him.”
My father said he was anxious when she was in her long, deep sleep. She had been sleeping after lunch and it was rare that her afternoon nap lasted a few hours until the evening. She had diabetes and required fairly consistent meal times to regulate her food consumption and blood sugar level. He was worried that it would not be good for her health if she was allowed to sleep for as long as her body desired. Previously, on another occasion, she was in a deep sleep and had cured into a fetal position. She could not be awakened and my father called for an ambulance. At the hospital, she was diagnosed with low blood glucose.
As I was listening to her narration, I felt goose bumps on my arms and legs. I always get them when I have an eerie feeling. My gut feeling told me her dream was portentious. In Chinese culture, when a living person dreams about having a meal with a deceased person, it portends her impending death. The deceased person has invited the living one to partake in a feast for the dead. She was in deep sleep; possibly REM sleep, which was the opportune time for dreams to take place (Hartman & Zimberoff, 2012). If my father had not awakened her, she may have fallen into a diabetic coma.
My grandmother was not afraid of her dream. To her, the dream was a continuity of waking life, as she had used to de-shell prawns at dinner table for her husband. In fact, she expressed dislike and disappointment that her dream was interrupted. I was too afraid and respectful to tell her what I thought about her dream. It was disrespectful in Chinese culture, to speak of an omen on the other person. Moreover, she was my elder and that would make it a double taboo. It is difficult to find a scientific theory that can explain her dream as a warning of her death, which really happened in late 2001, around one and a half years after her husband’s death.
Dream of dead grandparents in new home to inform of their new location: dream from a female
About a month after my grandmother’s death in late 2001, I dreamed of both my grandparents. They looked younger than their older adult ages before their deaths. Both of them were using walking sticks that were fashioned out of branches which still had leaves on them. They were smiling and seemed to look happy. Their environment was bright and the surroundings had blue and white clouds floating in the sky. There seemed to be images of other people in the distance. I asked to stay with them but they refused. After I woke up, I realized the meaning of my dream. According to Chinese culture, dreaming of my dead relatives portends my death. My dream was in 2001 and I am still alive today. This shows that dreaming of the dead does not always prophesize the dreamer’s death in the immediate future. I have no other Chinese culture tradition, myth or folklore to explain this dream easily. However, there is a possible explanation using Christianity. My dream was not a death dream but a visitation salutation from my grandparents. They wanted me to know they are well. The landscape of clouds suggests the conventional idea of imagery of heaven and what it looks like living in the sky. The dream may have been a visitation dream to inform me of what has happened to my deceased relatives.
What is the significance of a Singaporean Chinese female dreaming of a dead relative having a meal with them?
Eating is a common and shared activity at least twice a day. Chinese people eat breakfast at home before traveling out for the day’s activities. They usually return home to eat dinner with the family. If they are outdoors at work or play, they eat out. According to Hinton et al. (2013), a dream about a common activity like being at the meal table falls into the category of “nostalgia dreams” (p.447). Another criterion that defines the nostalgia dream is that it relives “… a scene from childhood or young adulthood” (p.447). Indeed, I remembered my grandmother telling me that she was married at around 16 years old and she performed many household chores big and small. One common wifely duty was to de-shell prawns at the dinner table.
Cooking is only one of the domestic chores in the household but it consumes a large portion of waking hours. In a typical two generation Chinese family, the female doing the cooking may have to cook two sets of menus. One set is for the ageing parents or parents-in-law. The other set is for her own family of spouse and children. The two generations have separate food preferences. Sometimes, the female is lucky enough to cook one menu for two generations living under one roof. Some Chinese families retain old habits from an era past where there were no refrigerators and the entire day’s food of lunch and dinner was cooked by lunch time. The food would be placed on the dining table and covered by a large semi-circle or rectangular netted lid to prevent flies and insects from contaminating the food. Family members would wait for the entire family to gather together for a meal. Sometimes, family members who did not work outside home, would eat their meal independently whenever they felt hungry. The Chinese female who is a housewife or working from home, will have the privilege of cooking fresh and eating fresh, one meal at a time.
Chinese females typically spend many hours cooking. This habit becomes a trait especially since her family who eats at home is dependent on her culinary skills for survival. The quantity of food that is prepared daily usually includes homemade bread, four dishes of vegetables, a soup, and rice. This may take at least six hours of toil in the kitchen. A female who has to work outside home, has to wake up six hours before leaving home to cook food. This schedule eats into her available time for sleeping so she usually cooks only breakfast and lunch, before rushing off to work. When the cook of the family returns home at 7 pm, she rushes to prepare dinner. She may buy ready-made food from outside if her family is not too fussy and picky.
The average time of six hours for daily cooking does not include special occasions when more dishes are cooked for feasting at home. Modern foods like store bought bread, pastries, beverages, frozen pre-cooked foods and etc. are also stocked in the home but these are not considered staples as Chinese people prefer to eat food cooked at home. The older generation of Chinese females and males prefer to eat home cooked food and may use their influence to request that meals should be cooked at home. The prevalence of diseases like cancer has brought fear into the mentality of the older generation of Chinese males and females and they find comfort in eating home cooked food. The nurturing and maternal instinct or trait sustains the female to remain faithful to her matrimonial vows. However, statistics indicate 50% of all marriages in all the combined ethnicities end in divorce.
Some Chinese females use their status to exercise some influence over her spouse and family. They may threaten not to cook if their demands are not met. The family members may not have enough money to eat out for every meal so a negotiation and compromise are usually reached to maintain co-operation and harmony in the family. However, there are also females who do not see light at the end of their tunnel. Besides cooking, there are other household chores like washing cutlery, clothes, sweeping and moping and overall cleaning of the home. Their male counterparts like partner, parent, and/ or in-laws may maintain their stance, ill treatment and abuse to wear down her human dignity, mental, physical and emotional endurance.
In the 21st century, Chinese families who can afford to eat outside, can avail of the many opportunities of catering in, home delivery and dining out. For family members who have the budget to spend on these conveniences, they are not at the mercy of the cook, who may then think of other strategies to negotiate for her desires.
By Singapore Chinese female standards, peeling prawn shells for the spouse is normal for one or two generations past. My grandmother was the second generation of Chinese immigrants who settled in Singapore. By the third generation of Chinese females, the old customs and culture were changing. In the 1960s, the females became more assertive as they fought for their rights. Chinese singles did not use traditional matchmaking to find their spouses. They thought they could choose better spouses by dating and playing the field. More Chinese couples broke up, divorced and re-married new spouses. Divorce was still taboo and a dirty word but it was getting common. By the fourth generation of Chinese females, it was getting harder to find suitable spouses to marry. People who were concerned over socio-economic status wanted to marry into wealthy families. Poor or struggling adults experienced difficulties finding appropriate life partners. The common criteria for attracting dates were cash, car, condominium, credit card and country club membership. These are known as the 5Cs criteria to say a person has made it in life. The cost of living is very high for locals and expatriates alike. Singapore is ranked among the top 5 most expensive countries to live in. To put things into perspective, ownership of a modest two-bedroom condominium will burn a deep hole in the pocket even with a 25 year mortgage. Many parents can not afford to raise many children. In the early 1970s, the government launched a two-children-only per married couple policy for family planning. The famous campaign slogan was “Two Is Enough”. By the 1990s, the government tried to reverse the trend of population decrease by encouraging more childbirths but it was too late. The rising cost of living, inflation and low job security discouraged fertile couples. Young adult males and females engaged in pre-marital sex and shirked responsibility by delaying marriage and raising children. The statistics for abortion was around a few thousands per annum but the figure has slowly increased every year.
In 2017, the fifth and sixth generation of Chinese females in Singapore are not willing to peel prawns for their spouse/ partner. I asked one Chinese female teen, 17 ½ years old, on her opinion. She said she has to consider whether the male is disabled and incapable of handling his own food. She also said she would be busy eating her own food and has no time to do a menial chore for the male. In other words, the present generation of Chinese female feels she can ignore the status quo of the female attending to the male’s needs.
In 2016, the statistics for abortion for Singapore women of all ethnicities was around 8500. This was one of the “heights” of female status power in 21st century Singapore. Women are not playing second fiddle to the males if they fight for their rights to live the life they desire. For example, females are no longer trapped by pregnancies as they can get abortions before five months of gestation. The Catholic Church preaches abstinence from immorality like abortion but the females desire to choose for themselves. The Church pleads to her congregation to observe religious laws and teachings on preserving the sanctity of human life. The road to saving babies is paved with danger. People working and volunteering in prolife agencies have to deal with the pregnant woman’s spouse/ partner, her boyfriend, parents, siblings, grandparents and any other relatives objecting to external interference in her decision to abort her baby. Sometimes, the baby was conceived out of wedlock or outside marriage. The network of relatives and friends complicate the counselling process. The disintegration of the traditional Chinese family and way of life may lead to different dream themes becoming prevalent and dominant in increasing frequency.
The older adult and young female adult Chinese in present Singapore may address the supernatural to plead for help. When there is nobody to help, the first recourse is to pray or seek aid from any god, deity or supernatural. This situation in 2017 is similar to 2008, when Yu published his research paper and little has changed since then. His research is still applicable when he said: “Traditional Chinese religious and superstitious activities remain very popular in Hong Kong, for example, worship of ancestors, historical heroic gods, and Taoist gods, Feng Shui practice, and various forms of fortune telling, such as face reading, palm reading, drawing of sticks (Kau Cim), and astrology (Zi Wei Dou Shu/ Pik Meng). The widespread superstitious attitudes of Chinese people might provide a clue to the high incidence rate of dreaming about having magical powers” (Yu, 2008, p.9). The churches, Chinese temples and places of religious worship are usually packed full of crowds because of belief in religion, traditions and culture.
Applying Jung’s formulation to Chinese females who dream of the dead
Goss (2015) has elaborated on Jung’s formulations which explain a human being’s darker, inner hidden and denied aspects. He said every ego has its “outer presentations” that are “responsive to various contexts”. The shadow is the opposite of the good persona presented to the public as it has “inner, hidden denied aspects” (Goss, 2015, p.87). If the Chinese female panders to her shadow, the she may harbour ulterior motives like coveting status, importance and power. She may create fiction about dreaming of dead relatives in order to boost her status. This would be “how the darker, hidden side of the ego collects together difficult, under-developed and unpleasant aspects of ourselves and seems to bracket them out of view (most of the time)” (p.86). People who are unware of her shadow see only her good persona.
Goss said:”… if our persona seems particularly reliable or successful to us, it can become our default way of being in life” (Goss, 2015, p.89). If this is the case with a Chinese female, then she may see her Self in a dream where she continues to act like the reliable woman she presents herself to be in waking life. If the Chinese woman speaks only of her good acts, the clinician should be alerted to her public face (persona). For example, she may be talking about how well she treated the deceased and how she deserved to receive the visitation dream because of her merits. Goss (2015) said:” … shadow inevitably shows itself as the client comes to trust the therapist and lets their mask (persona) slip. The analyst’s role is to respectfully notice and challenge the analysand’s presentation of shadow and help them to notice, acknowledge and eventually own this” (p.95).
The clinician should be aware the Chinese females who dream of dead people, danger and negative content may be trying to avoid responsibility. The shadow may have seized the excuse of claiming to have dreams of the dead, to propagate the woman’s personal agenda like wrestling for power and respect in her family. Her status could be elevated when she tells everyone how she was chosen to receive the dream.
Do Singapore Chinese Females dream of dead relatives during specific seasons of the year?
In the Singapore Chinese Lunar calendar, there are a few dates which are important for worshipping ancestors and local deities. These are the eve of Chinese New Year, Qing MingJie (on the 15th day of the seventh lunar month), and death anniversaries of the ancestors. On these important dates, the cook of the family, which is usually a woman, will make the preparations. The seasons do not bring dreams. Instead, the period after the death is the most conducive time for dreams to be created. This is when thoughts and feelings of losing the deceased are strongest and may trigger dreams.
What happens for ancestral worship during Lunar New Year? On the eve of this day, almost every Singapore Chinese family is busy cooking up a feast. The entire family should gather together to share the “Duan Yuan Fan” (Reunion Meal) to signify the unity of the family unit. Those who opt to dine out will have to book reservations for one or two dinner tables, depending on the size of the family. For Singapore Chinese families who are going to offer sacrifices at the altar, they usually choose to dine at home as they will have more time to cook big pots of food, set up the food, fruit and other offerings. Before midnight, the altar table will have several dishes of cooked food and rice, fruit, sweet cakes, snacks, and a pair of sticks of sugar cane. At the stroke of midnight, family members light up joss sticks to pray before the ancestors. Some families throw away these offerings after prayer while other families keep the food in the refrigerator for consumption on the following day. Chinese traditions say there should be no sweeping of the home during the first two days of Lunar New Year. Good luck has been ushered in and should not be swept up for discarding in the trash. Handling of sharp objects like the knife and scissors are taboo to prevent good luck from being severed from the home. Since there is no cooking to prevent the use of knife and scissors, the family members eat the food that has been cooked on the eve of Chinese New Year. This should last 2 days, until knives and sharp instruments are permitted for use again on the third day. Not every Chinese can observe this tradition strictly as family members ask for freshly cut fruit and etc that require the use of sharp instruments. Chinese females and males do not report receiving more dreams during Chinese New Year.
Besides sacrificial food for the ancestors, the same feast should be offered at the altar of Chinese deities like the Goddess of Mercy and the Kitchen God. These deities are worshipped especially on the eve of Lunar New Year to petition them to send blessings for the new year.
For the Qing Ming Jie, or Month of the Hungry Ghost, the Singapore Chinese females generally prepare the food sacrificial offerings at least twice on two separate days. There is no hard and fast rule that forbids more offerings if the woman is able to afford it. The offering to the dead that roam about on earth can be made by placing plates of rice cake, peanut candy and oranges. Joss sticks are lit, and Chinese paper money is burned. The feast for the ancestors is brought to them at their graves. The food may consist of cooked dishes, rice cakes, and fruit. Chinese paper money for the dead may be burned as an offering to send the notes to the other world. By the time the plastic bags of “hell money” are burnt, it would be time to pack up and go home. Some worshippers do not clean up and the food is left on the graves. The vagabonds and stray animals may feast on the goodies. Visitors who arrive at the graves the following days may get the impression that the food was really eaten up. They may feel awestruck if they think the ghosts at the graves have devoured the edibles. For this reason, cemeteries and columbariums have janitors and staff to maintain the policy of visiting hours. Some Chinese relatives of the deceased cry loudly and stay on after dark. It is tough to make out human forms in the dark and their cries sound eerie in the stillness of night. This gave rise to spooky tales of haunted cemeteries and columbariums when actually, there were humans responsible for causing the ruckus. When people came to know that there were visitors after nightfall, they too wanted to join the trend of staying late and the caretakers of the places had difficulties managing the crowds.
Singapore Chinese do not limit themselves to just one date for visiting the graves. They may visit to pay respects on other days too. The filial descendants may do some basic cleaning of the area around the graves by picking up litter, and pulling up weeds. There may be enterprising grass cutters who hang around the cemeteries during this month. They can be hired for a one-time fee to cut the grass around the graves.
My paternal great-grandparents were buried before 1960. By the time my grandparents died in 2000 and 2001, burial land was scare they left instructions to be cremated. My grandparents had stopped the practice of ancestral worship when my grandmother converted to Christianity and my grandfather did not take over the cooking and preparation of food for worshipping the ghosts. My grandmother did not experience any dreams from her deceased in-laws about the lack of ancestral worship. The old fears of being punished and tormented by angry and hungry ghosts slowly evaporated. Fear was replaced by a different feeling of bitterness that all the hard work for the past 30 years was for naught as the ghosts were probably not eating the food. All those years of blind devotion could have better spent on counselling, therapy and intervention to sort out problems. A clinician would use scientific theory and evidence to support the use of therapy. I would agree but I also think that the fact that I am using my Chinese culture and experiences of dreams to write a thesis proves that my ancestors are helping me with writing my paper. A Chinese Christian does not abandon their ancestors after conversion. The Catholic prayers include mention of all those who have died and gone before us. Christians pray for the souls of the dead and this is also a form of ancestral worship.
Besides the sacrifices to the dead, there are other customs to be observed during the seventh lunar month of the Chinese calendar year. Singapore Chinese are discouraged from going out at night, lest some lonely ghost follows them home. Wearing red colored clothes is taboo as ghosts are attracted to that color. Going swimming is not good as ghosts may be lurking around to drown swimmers. Streets of residential neighborhoods are littered with food offerings and joss sticks. Pedestrians have to look where they place their feet while walking. The materials sacrificed to ghosts must not be disrespected. If a person accidentally steps on a piece of unburned hell money, or an item that was offered to the ghosts, then they have to clasp their hands in prayer and say an apology. Otherwise, if the offender experiences negative events, they will blame their bad luck on the ghosts. These are some of the old customs that Chinese observe to stay away from bad luck and ghosts during this particular month.
Generally, Singapore Chinese women do not say they have more dreams of their dead relatives during the seventh lunar month. If a woman says she had a dream of a sad looking dead relative, it could mean that she has not performed the ceremonial sacrifices at the grave or on the street outside her home. For the clinician, the symptom and circumstance point to the woman’s guilty feelings, or other problems. If a Singapore Chinese client tells her therapist that she is troubled by thoughts and feelings for her dead relatives, then it would be an invitation to investigate further. The clinician may ask some questions to discover what caused the mental and emotional disturbance. If this fact is revealed during the Hungry Ghost Month, then the client’s behavior could have been influenced by the current event.
There are some Singapore Chinese who believe that when a person dreams of a dead relative, it is because the dead has visited them and the medium of communication was the dream. The ghost of the deceased may have been the stimulus that created the dream. Freud used to say that dreams were created by numerous factors and one of them was stimulation from causes like sound, internal organs, nerve activity in the brain and etc. (Freud, 2010). The clinician whose client talks about dreams of dead people, or frequent dreams of any nature, should investigate the causes behind the dreams.
Christian Chinese families do not perform ancestral worship on any Chinese dates. The Catholics have All Souls Day, which falls on November 2 annually. They pay respects to the dead on this day. Singapore Chinese women do not experience more dreams of dead relatives on All Souls Day. This could be due to the teachings of Christianity which say that the dead person’s soul has travelled to another place after death and no longer lingers around on earth. The soul does not stimulate the sleeper to have a dream about the deceased.
The clinician should be aware of the cultural diversity in clients and respect them. Understanding the client’s culture will provide background information on what is important to the client and what may have triggered certain reactions.
Chapter Three Theoretical Perspective
Many Singapore Chinese women dream of their ancestors. Like all lay people, these women see the manifest content to understand the meaning of their dream. Sometimes, they fail to comprehend the manifest meaning or latent meaning. If they are troubled enough to bring their dreams to therapists, then their mental stress, anxiety and emotions can be worked on. Although Chinese custom and Daoism say that dreams can be created by ghosts who visit the sleeper, science says otherwise. Modern science points to clues that say dreams of ancestors or other imagery, can be influenced by many factors.
While it is true that a therapist can help to decipher the meaning of a dream, not everyone can afford to schedule psychotherapy to discuss every dream. Dreams demand immediate attention to address the puzzling issue of discovering its meaning. If dreams are a continuity of waking life, then understanding the manifest and latent meanings would assist the person greatly, to resolve their problems, as they move forward in waking life. If a dream appears to be a discontinuity of waking hours, then it could be carrying a latent meaning, which may be an expression for a wish fulfillment.
Chapter Four – Reflexivity
My role in writing this paper is that of a curious investigator. I wanted to discover why Singapore Chinese women dream of their dead ancestors. These women’s dreams of their beloved deceased relatives because of several factors. Psychological factors can be nostalgia for the old waking life, stress or trauma of loss. Neurological factors may include nerve activity in memory cells. Physiological factors are known to include fatigue and disturbance in sleep patterns.
More than three quarters of Singapore’s population spend time regularly on religious activities every week. This shows they believe in religion, and the teachings on death and its aftermath.
Singapore Chinese women dream of dead relatives especially on doing activities that had occurred during waking hours during their shared lifetime together.
Additional notes
The role of superstition in Chinese culture:
The Chinese culture, like many other cultures, believes in lucky charms/ talismans. These superstitious beliefs are pseudoscience. Some Chinese combine folk religion with Taoism, Buddhism and Confucianism.
Some Chinese believe in the good luck charm called The Lucky Cat. This is a small, portable statue of a white cat, with one front paw raised upright and beckoning. This movement symbolizes the calling in of money. This is a folk belief. Followers of The Lucky Cat will acquire one such statue to place on top of their cash register, to beckon in money. Drivers may fix a Lucky Cat on top of their car’s dashboard, to ward off bad luck.
In some folk culture and religion, objects are accorded their own life and soul. This kind of belief says inanimate objects have a life of their own. This is why some human owners name their important objects with good auspicious names like Lucky, Precious and etc.
References
Redacted.
To answer this question, we need to clarify what is defined as a ghost. What you understand as a ghost depends on your personal experiences, culture, traditions and sum total of what you believe a ghost should be.
Do all dead people become ghosts? I would say no. Then why do some dead people remain on earth as ghosts? Some cultures and traditions say the soul who does not move on in their journey of afterlife, has unfinished business and it lingers around to try to complete its mission. Ghosts are from another realm of dimension and may be unable to facilitate changes to effect intervention in human events. This means it is unable to complete its previous goals. This continues the cycle of being unfulfilled and hanging around to complete its desires before moving on.
How do you know you had dreamed of ghosts?
If we follow the argument as stated above, the ghost in the dream would have requested you to do some task on its behalf.
Dreams of fox spirits
What is a fox spirit? This is a supernatural creature that is known in certain cultures. Specifically the Chinese culture of China, and overseas Chinese in Southeast Asia.
Chinese culture and tradition passed down from generations ago speak of the fox spirit. It is a supernatural spirit who can shapeshift, from a supernatural fox, into a human being. It needs to use the aid of a human body part like a skull, or by eating human flesh. The fox spirit and humans are attracted to each other. Myth has it that even after shapeshifting, the fox spirit is unable to hide entirely its original form and there would be at least one body part which shows. So look carefully and proceed with caution with Everybody.
Beware that a person may not be who they appear to be. That could be a fox spirit in disguise.
If you dream of someone you know, and you feel very attracted to this person, this could be your intuition trying to tell you something. There may be a reason why there is heightened awareness of this person.
Usually, during the initial stage of attraction, the romantic partner occupies a big chunk of your thoughts and feelings. This does not mean that person is a fox spirit who has shapeshifted into a human.
How to know when you have dreamed about a fox spirit?
The person is a fox spirit when you can identify a peculiar part of the body that looks like it originated from a fox.
In your dream, you may or may not see the manifestation of the fox’s body part. But if you have a doubt, then look carefully at the person during the day.
Another method to discern whether you had dreamed of a fox spirit:
When you had repetitive dreams about that person. And you’re obsessed with him/ her. Fox spirits have a way of enticing and seducing humans.
Dreaming of dead babies
Where do the souls of babies who have died in miscarriages and abortions go?
I don’t have the definite answer.
Some of those spirits become wandering ghosts. They had lost their mothers and have no homes. People with knowledge of the magic arts may entice those spirits to perform requests in exchange for desires.
Baby spirits & child ghosts are short in height because their growth was interrupted by death.
Baby ghosts and child spirits may have the habit of stealing interesting things because they are stimulated by curiosity and can’t help themselves. If you often discover your belongings missing and have no cause to explain it, you could be a victim of theft by these supernatural beings.
I saw a shop which had an altar paying respects to a child spirit. The worshippers placed offerings like a bottle of milk, candy, biscuits and maybe small toys at its altar. It was positioned at floor level because the child spirit was supposedly short in height. The shop probably needed to make money by stimulating purchases and influencing customers. It is believed supernatural power may be invoked to earn money. The spirit is appeased by offerings.
How to interpret dreams of dead woman who returns as a bride in dream:
Some people believe that a young single woman who dies may be lonely in her afterlife. She may appear in dreams of her parents and other family members, to lament of her loneliness wandering the Other World. She may request for a marriage. This dream could be interpreted as the ghost returning because she has unhappiness or incomplete mission in her existence. Her surviving parents may try to matchmake her with the spirit of another dead person. The ceremonial wedding may be held to bond the two spirits together.
In other cases, the deceased woman’s spirit could be married to a living man, who then has to live like a husband to the dead woman.
The dream of the ghost bride is usually referred to as The Ghost Bride.
How to interpret dreams of deceased man who appears in dream imagery as a bridegroom:
The parents and close relatives of the dead man may perform the matchmaking and wedding for him. The intention is the same as written above.
In the dream, if the dead man asks to be married, then he can commonly be referred to as The Ghost Bridegroom.
This post maybe updated later.
Dream interpretation would say this is a good dream. You will be successful in whatever you, provided you put due effort into it.
Ghosts are said to hang around as orbs (balls of light). They have low energy and can’t muster enough energy to appear as a physical human form.
One of the stories, “A Mosque in the Jungle”, is quite probably a classical rendition of common tale narrated by word of mouth.
Before reading this story, I had read a personal blog post by an adventure seeking Malay man. He was with a small group of friends who walked through a jungle at night, seeking thrills. He wasn’t a writer and narrated his encounter in only a few sentences, but they were sufficient to convey the gist of what happened. Since it was a common narrative told by a few people, there could be elements of cultural, religious and folklore interweaved into it.
Finding a mosque in the jungle when a traveler is lost, is like a godsend.
The plot is so common that it must be a cultural and religious folklore. Lonely people see a mosque in the midst of thick jungle. This almost always happens at night. They hear people praying in the mosque. If the same people searched for the mosque in daylight, they can’t ever find it. A mosque in the jungle is like a mirage in the desert. Weary travelers may chance upon it. When they need a refuge, they’ll find it. In the day, when they don’t need a refuge, they’ll never find it.
For the rest of the other ghost stories, they read like the fiction of O. Wok. The book of short stories is an easy read for the most boring of journeys or time. You’ll never put t down.
A Mosque in the Jungle by Othman Wok. I may get a small commission if you buy via this link. But this is not the reason why I’ve written this book review. In the first place, I bought a copy because I read of its reviews by other readers. I’m also interested in the genre of ghost stories. Buy the book from anywhere. It doesn’t really matter to me. I’m promoting it because it is an interesting volume.
Before I started reading Zen Cho’s book, “Black Water Sister”, I already had the idea that maybe the voices in the head were really voices spoken by people/ spirits. Not all voices in the head are auditory hallucinations.
To read more about voices in the head, click on the link on the text.
Zen Cho used the common myths to drive her plot. One was the assumption that a ghost needed to use the physical body of a living human since they are dead and their corporeal body has decayed.
Second assumption was that Jess’ grandmother’s ghost had to use her as a vessel to speak, see, and act to perform actions to change the path of certain outcomes.
Jess’s grandmother told her she was the one responsible for sending her those dreams about people, and visiting and exploring. Third assumption says the dead visit the living in dreams.
The plot is about a mega rich developer who wants to take over land where a temple stands. The god in the temple objects. Humans and god battle.
Blood is not thicker than water. Jessamyn’s grandmother’s ghost does not care for her kin more than her care for her god, Black Water Sister. Jess had to fight her grandma from taking over her body, in a crucial scene, where she destroyed the god’s altar, in the vain hope of breaking the hold over many people.
In the epic final battle, Jess shows Black Water Sister how her business with the past has already been completed. The god does not need to stick around to haunt for her revenge. She is free to proceed to her next stage.
Amazon sells this book:
If you object to Amazon giving me a tiny commission after you buy this book, then don’t buy from this link.
I would only buy Zen Cho’s books if I’m very interested in the theme.
Introduction/ Foreword:
Penelope has desires and wishes. She wants to live happily ever after. The myth in psychology said a dreamer would be dreaming of their wishes because that is the heart’s greatest desires. The themes that dominate life in waking hours, are carried into sleeping world. Sometimes, this myth did not dream true.
Penelope dreamed of her husband’s girlfriend/ mistress. That was the start of a beginning descent down the rabbit hole. This means things went from bad to worse. This story is in its draft form. It has to be told, even in its raw draft. Please excuse the lack of editing.
The dream:
Penelope saw Andrew standing by the side of the road.
“Andrew!” She called out but he didn’t respond. Perhaps the din from the traffic overpowered her voice. She hastened her steps.
As she approached, it became clear Andrew wasn’t alone. A woman faced him. She flicked her with long flowing hair to call attention to her luscious locks. It never occurred to her to be curious why he managed to get out of office at that hour, and why he was talking to someone along the pedestrian path.
“Andrew!” Penelope tried again to catch his attention. He started walking away. The woman linked arms with him and they walked away.
Penelope couldn’t believe her eyes. There was something wrong with her eyes. They stung with tears. She blinked rapidly as Andrew and his female companion were fast disappearing from her line of sight. Her vision was interrupted by tears. She rubbed her eyes. She couldn’t see Andrew, nor the woman. She looked around .They had melted into nothingness. In those few seconds, Andrew and the woman had disappeared.
Penelope cried. She blinked her eyes and she was in her dark bedroom. That was a dream after all. Or was it? A dream could have been a replay of a real event which happened. Did her Oracle or Spirit Guide send her that dream to tell her about Andrew and his girlfriend? How could he do that to her? He had promised to leave that woman.
What happened next …
Her eyes got adjusted to the night light that was turned on by the wall power socket. She glanced over to the other side of the Queen sized bed and Andrew was snoring. How could he have disappeared only to reappear beside her? If his soul was still walking on the road, his body would not be able to wake up.
Penelope couldn’t resist the urge to try to wake him up. She wanted to know if Andrew’s soul cared enough to return quickly to her side.
“Andrew! Andrew!”
“Hmmm.” He muttered while struggling to wake up to consciousness.”Wake up. You were dreaming.” If he’s taking so much time to wake up, it might mean his soul was traveling in another dimension. Perhaps he was still walking with that long haired woman in her dream.
“Huh?” He blinked and then shut his eyes again.
“You were talking in your sleep. What did you dream about?”
“Nothing. I don’t remember my dream. What did I say?”
“You were mumbling. I couldn’t hear you properly.”
“What time is it? Is it time for me to wake up now?”
“My bedside clock says its 2:30 am. Go back to sleep.”
“Okay. But first, I need to use the bathroom.”
Andrew slowly got up from bed and walked unsteadily to the toilet. His pillow was sliding dangerously down the edge of his side of the bed. Penelope walked over to right his pillow and spied his cell phone under it.
If he was attending to his hand phone closely, it could suggest his girlfriend was already in the country. Maybe that was the dream interpretation. She saw dream imagery of the woman, because she has arrived in the country. She may have seen dream imagery of a real event where Andrew was meeting up with his girlfriend. The Universe or Spirit Guide may have sent her this dream imagery to warn her. Penelope could hardly breathe. Her heart was racing as it pounded in her chest. “Relax,” she told herself. “I have to compose myself. Andrew is walking back to bed soon.” She forced herself to take deep breaths. She struggled to hold a deadpan face and this was not a moment too soon as Andrew walked back to bed. She confronted him.
“Why did you put your cell phone under your pillow?”
“I don’t want to miss important phone calls.”
“Do people call you at odd hours?”
“Yes, when its important.”
Andrew plonked himself into his bed and closed his eyes. Penelope had to stop questioning him. He had to get enough shut-eye as he had to go to office later that morning.
Penelope wished she could return to sleep as easily as Andrew. She tossed and turned. She tried to find a comfortable position. Her head was full of thoughts on reminding herself o check Andrew’s cell phone when he wasn’t around.
She gave up trying to fall asleep again and decided to arise from bed to start her day. She moved slowly and quietly to avoid disturbing Andrew.
She used the bathroom in the common corridor so that the noise wouldn’t disturb Andrew. She sat on the commode and then did her toileting routine. After a quick wash, she brushed her teeth and ran her comb through her hair. She couldn’t bear to look at herself in the mirror. She didn’t like what she looked like. Her chronological years aged her beyond her biological years. She consoled herself by being proud of her work. She wasn’t entirely a housewife. She worked from home to earn some money. Grant it that it was a paltry sum, but it was money nevertheless.
Penelope turned on the kitchen light. She took her mug from the tray on the kitchen counter and filled it with tap water. She carried her mug to the microwave oven and turned on the setting to boil the water. The hum of the microwave was loud in the quiet of the pre-dawn hour. Looking out her kitchen window, she saw darkness all around her. None of her neighbors was awake.
“Ding!” Her microwave called out to her. She removed her mug and placed it on her kitchen counter. She fetched a teaspoon from the dish drying rack and unscrewed the bottle of instant coffee powder. She dipped her teaspoon into the bottle for a scoop of the aromatic coffee. The fragrance wafted up as the coffee powder made contact with the hot water. Now, for the sugar, thought Penelope as she took a clean spoon for this purpose. Dumping the sugar into her mug, the soft plop hardly made a splash as it slowly sank into the depths of her mug. Penelope gave her coffee a few quick stirs and impatiently took her first sip.
“Mmmm … delicious.” She thought to herself as she appreciated the kick of the caffeine. Coffee is her life savior. She immediately apologized to God. “You know I don’t mean it that way. I need coffee to prop me up to function the whole day. Thank you God for coffee. Thank you God, for allowing me money and the privilege to buy and drink this coffee.”
Penelope carried her mug to her work station, a small round dining table re-purposed for this function. She switched on the electric socket to power up the modem and router. Then she turned on her desktop. She was happy with her seven year old friend. She almost couldn’t believe how her ageing computer managed to connect her to customers from all nooks and crannies, to scrap together some money for her. Sometimes, her tears flowed down, just by thinking of how her computer toiled for her. She was grateful for having a working computer, or she would be near penniless without a personal source of income.
She browsed through a few news websites and gathered enough vibes to understand the current trends. She opened her MS Word file and started typing her first article for her customer.
One of her long term customers was a woman who owned a website promoting branded sports shoes. This customer was smart, running a string of websites based on the same principle of promoting specific commercial products. Every morning, Penelope would search for new releases and feature them. Penelope couldn’t afford to buy any of them but she enjoyed writing soft copy ad sell for them. She learned so much about Nike, Adidas, Converse, Puma, Reebok, Asics and etc.
The average man wears out his sports shoes in 3 months. He has to walk in them from the minute he walks out of his home, to the minute he walks back in, at the end of his day. If he values his shoes and his feet, he would change into home slippers or some other footwear when he is at home. Still, the average Joe wore out his shoes in 3 months. People searched for the latest models of shoes, before deciding on their purchases and heading to the stores to buy them.
Penelope thought about the times when Andrew made her pay for his sandals, dress shoes and running shoes. He often feigned ignorance or being short on cash, to avoid paying for his shoes. It was bad luck for the spouse to buy shoes and footwear for the other half of the couple. It was a cultural taboo, suggesting that the receiver could run off in new footwear. The newer the footwear, the more roadworthy and reliable they would be, for dashing away. Andrew didn’t believe in folklore, old wives’ tales, or cultural taboos. He was more concerned with protecting his pocket. Since a pair of footwear would cost anything from $50 up, he would try to defray the cost by passing it to Penelope. There was at least once when he didn’t wear the running shoes he asked Penelope to pay for him. Penelope was hurt because she paid good money for that pair of Reebok. She was very tight for cash but coughed up $200 for that pair of running shoes because he said he needed those shoes to run. He never did.
She was preoccupied and time flew. It was time to wake up Andrew. Penelope always carried his mug of water to the bedroom for him. He needed to drink warm water to prepare to rise from bed.
He was sleeping like a light out. Penelope gently shook his shoulder.
“Andrew. Wake up. Its time to get ready for work.”
“Hmmmm …okay … I’m waking up.”
“Here’s your mug of water. I’ve put it on the bedside table.”
“Hmmmm … okay.”
Penelope walked back to the kitchen. She boiled a mug of water and a small bowl of water. The mug was for tea and the bowl was for oats. Both were instant and required self-soaking to mature. She placed them on the coffee table and returned to her computer table. She heard the creak of mattress springs as Andrew heaved himself up from bed, to walk into the bathroom. With any luck, here was her chance.
Penelope walked into the bedroom and retrieved his phone from under his pillow. She pressed a few buttons and viola! She was able to check and read his text messages. Her heart was racing.
“Come here. I just washed my hair.”
This was exactly what he liked in a woman; long hair. This could be that woman in her dream. Her name saved in the text was Magdalene.
Penelope tried to think. The writer of the message must be somewhere in the same city. How else could she try to summon Andrew to her side? She had encountered Magdalene before when Andrew briefly asked her about buying a domain name called magdalene.com. She asked him, “Why do you want to buy a domain with that name?” He said, “It is a special name and sounds nice. I think it will attract visitors to the website.” She was skeptical as she countered, “There are thousands of nice sounding names and there is no end of special names to buy.” Andrew stopped talking to signal that was the end of the conversation. It was infuriating but she could not get another word out of him.
Was Andrew carrying on a relationship with this woman? They were texting each other. The way she suggested meeting up meant they were already seeing each other. Was he having an affair with her? What should she do? She needed Andrew for financial support. She required primary needs like food, water, and shelter. She could not earn enough money to support herself. Wait, this was not about only money. She had invested eight years of her life in this marriage. She should fight to save her marriage. She can’t lose Andrew to another woman. She scrolled down his contact list, looking for other female names. There weren’t any more. Maybe he hid other women’s names using male names. She tried to click on one male name to read the text message. It was a discussion about work and trivial matters.
The sound of the shower in the bathroom stopped. That meant Andrew had completed his shower. He would be coming out soon. Penelope replaced his cell phone under his pillow. She didn’t want Andrew to catch her red handed spying on his cell phone.
She knew she had to act normally, as though she never knew any of this. She had to return to her work desk. She struggled to breathe slowly, to be mindful of her present moment, and then to return to her work. There was a lot of material to scan through and select for her research. Work helped to take her mind off Andrew and Magdalene.
Andrew came out of the bathroom wearing his towel. He dressed in the bedroom. He walked over to his breakfast and polished them off in a matter of a few minutes.
Then, out of the blue, Andrew said, “Penelope, I’ve something to tell you.”
She was concerned as he looked serious. She stopped typing and went to sit next to him on the sofa.
“What is it? I’m all ears.”
“I’ve resigned from my job.”
“No! You can’t do that! How are we going to survive?”
“We have to learn to manage somehow.”
“No! Please don’t quit your job!”
“I can’t carry on. I can’t manage my project and my team members can’t do the work.”
“Can you write the computer code to help out the programmer?”
“No. I’ve forgotten how to code.”
“Have you found a new job?”
“No. I’ll start looking soon.”
“We need money.”
“I know.”
“Can you hire a programmer who can write code for your project?”
“My boss is trying to recruit new team members.”
“Please don’t quit your job.”
“We’ll see what happens. You can borrow money from your Dad.”
“No, I can’t. He’s not the type to lend me money.”
“You should try to ask him.”
“I know him. He said before that he won’t be lending me any money.”
“You can try to get more freelance gigs to work from home.”
“They pay little. I can’t earn enough for one month’s expenses.”
“My friend found a job in Thailand. He says there are jobs there. I’m going there to take a look.”
Andrew’s face was deadpan in the way he assumed when he didn’t want arguments.
Penelope felt as though her world came crashing down. Andrew was leaving her to get his freedom. Being alone and free meant he could date and unite with any women he desired. This is how men dumped women. This is how the slighted woman felt. “I know why you’re leaving me,” Penelope thought. She had been forewarned in her dream. She knew it was a lost cause trying to persuade Andrew to change his mind. He had left her for a fortnight at a stretch, when he wanted to visit his parents in his hometown. Penelope functioned on her own. Now, he was going to leave her forever. She hadn’t the faintest idea he was running his trial before leaving her for good.
“I have to try to dissuade him,” Penelope thought to herself.
“Thailand! You can’t just leave me here alone!”
“I can’t get any other job here. I’ve got to go.”
“How will I manage this household on my own.”
“Ask your customers for more work to earn more money. You can advertise yourself as a freelance writer to get more paying assignments.”
“But that means I have to work extra hours. I’m already working from 2:30 am every morning.”
“You should only accept good paying work. Then, you don’t need to slave over menial odd jobs that pay peanuts.”
“If you’re going away, I want a divorce.”
“You can file for divorce as long as you pay for it. I don’t care. Or we can stay married, but live in different countries. At least, I can earn some money to send back for you.”
“Its difficult to manage on my own.”
“You’ll have more time for yourself. You don’t need to cook for me.”
Penelope cried. Andrew couldn’t care less about splitting up. She had sacrificed so much for their marriage and this is what it all boiled down to. She gave up her job in a private company because Andrew requested her to WFH (work-from-home). She couldn’t afford to buy new clothes for home use and going out. She bought cheap clothes from the local neighborhood store that lacked the correct size for her. She bought ridiculously large Tee shirts which were sold for a song because nobody else was ready to be humiliated wearing them. She wore flip flops because they were cheap. She wore socks while using flip flops to protect her feet from feeling the elements of cold weather or air-conditioning in the stores. Sometimes, people talked about her from a distance. “Look at that woman”, someone would say. “Why is she dressed like that?” “Can’t she afford a pair of shoes?”
Penelope held her head high. She was poor but she was living her own version of an honest life. She never cheated anyone of money, time or resources. On the contrary, her neighbors tried to ask Penelope to provide free tuition to their kids, give them free childcare and donate a share of her freelance work or money. Penelope was horrified and sad. She kept silent because she could not respond to these anticipations. The neighbors could see and understand she was poor. She lacked material goods. So they resorted to asking for intangible resources like her time and energy. Penelope decided to break away from this particular group of neighbors.
“We’ll talk more when I return from work tonight.”
“You never have time to talk.”
“I’ll make time somehow.”
Andrew felt he said his piece to pacify Penelope, and was free to go. He wore his socks and shoes and picked up his office bag. He walked to the door and let himself out.
Andrew made his choices. He wants out of his marriage. He chose to contact women, communicate with them, establish relationships and make himself available to pursue them. If he didn’t contact the women, how could they establish relationships with him? He had considered his reasons for starting new relationships. He wanted a new woman. His daughter was not sufficient reason for him to stay in the marriage, or stay in the same country. He chose to run away from it all. He had systematically walked through all the steps leading to his flight to freedom. He found women girlfriends, quit his job, found a new country to search for his next job, and undoubtedly will arrange for his choice of new woman to meet him there.
Penelope allowed herself to grieve. Her tears flowed freely. Her marriage of eight years was over. Andrew was unconcerned over how she was to fend for herself. The common prophesy of the Seven Year Itch had claimed her husband and marriage. She had to try to stop him from leaving.
Penelope searched for Andrew’s passport. She hid it in a secret hiding place. She thought that if Andrew couldn’t find his passport, he wouldn’t be able to leave the country and he would continue to stay with them. Of course, this was wishful thinking. he could always make a declaration that he lost his passport, and make a replacement passport. Then he would be traveling abroad. Hiding his passport was only a temporary delay.
She struggled to continue her day. She found it hard to concentrate on her writing. She was hungry but didn’t feel like eating. She was thirsty but did not feel like drinking. She felt like Andrew had dug a hole in the ground for her. He was leaving her to fend for herself. In essence, he was leaving her for dead.
That night, Andrew returned. He hardly looked at Penelope He failed to notice her swollen eyes. He ate his dinner with BBC News. After he skimmed the last little bit of food from his plate, he started to talk.
“Penelope, I’m going to book my ticket online now. I need to key in details from my passport. I can’t seem to find it. Have you seen my passport?”
“You can’t have it. You can’t go and leave me behind. I have no one to help me.”
“You can go and ask your Dad for help.”
“He will not help me. He has never helped me in his entire life.”
“I have to leave. Please give me my passport.”
“Let me think about it” Penelope wanted to play for time to cook up a plan. She went to her computer. She logged in to the internet and typed an email to Andrew’s sister, Andrea.
Dear Andrea,
Andrew said he wants to leave me to go work in an overseas job. Can you persuade him not to go?
Penelope glanced at her table clock. It showed 9:30 pm. This was getting past her bedtime. She had to wake up at 2:30 the following morning.
Penelope had to summon all her will power to leave her email alone and attend to her bedtime routine. Life had to continue no matter what Andrea would reply to her. Andrew was seated at his desk, spending time on his laptop. She had to go to bed because she kept such early morning hours. He could sleep late because he could afford to wake up at 6 or 7 am.
Penelope washed her face, brushed her teeth and completed her bedtime toilet routine. She laid her weary body down on her side of the Queen sized bed and closed her eyes. She knew it was pointless for her to expect Andrew to go to bed at the same time as her. She left it to his discretion to decide when he was ready to retire. She was too tired to spy on his movements. She didn’t have money to hire a private investigator to spy on Andrew. There was nothing she could do. Sleep only came easily because she was dead tired.
Penelope saw Andrew walking ahead of her. He was pushing his trolley. His stack of bags included his medium sized luggage, and cabin suitcase.
“Andrew, wait! You forgot your laptop.” Penelope found herself trying to attract his attention.
Andrew was preoccupied. His attention was diverted. He was walking towards the ticket counter for Air India. Penelope felt strange. Andrew said he was flying to Thailand. It would make economic sense to buy his ticket from Thai Airways. She was stunned. Andrew was speaking to the woman manning the ticket desk. He handed his passport to her. She checked his particulars and printed out a boarding pass for him. Then he lifted his medium sized baggage on the conveyor belt next to the customer service staff. He also placed his cabin sized bag there. He planned to check-in his cabin sized luggage.
Andrew walked away from the customer service counter. Penelope couldn’t speak. Two men approached Andrew. One said, ” Excuse me sir! Are you flying to India?”
Andrew nodded his head. Penelope felt stupefied. She wanted to call out to Andrew. She wanted to ask him what this was all about. She was mute and paralyzed. She wanted to attract Andrew’s attention, but she couldn’t speak nor move.
The man said to Andrew, “I’m also on the same flight. Do you have spare weight allowance? Can I put my luggage on your baggage allowance?” Penelope knew this was a common strategy to carry more baggage on a flight, without coughing out cash to pay for excess baggage weight. The airlines staff kept quiet and allowed this to happen.
Andrew said, “No, sorry. I myself am short of space.”
The man said, “How can that be? You only have two pieces of luggage.”
Andrew said, “But they’re heavy luggage.”
The man became angry. His tone became loud. “I think you’re lying. You’re not giving me your free weight allowance.”
Andrew defended himself. “I’m not lying. I need my own luggage weight allowance>”
Then suddenly Andrew and the man were fighting.
Penelope didn’t know what to do. The two men exchanged blows. They moved long distances as they tried to dodge and hit back intermittently.
Penelope woke up with a jolt. She felt afraid because of the violence she saw in her dream. Andrew was at the airport. This means he would be traveling overseas without her. He would be leaving, despite her having hidden his passport. He might go to the police station to make a police report about having misplaced his passport, and get another made. He would be leaving her, no matter what. What is the use of hiding his passport away from him? It would only entail spending more money to make a new passport. Andrew would be delayed but he wouldn’t be spending his time at home with her. He would continue to go out and spend his days and night somewhere else.
Her eyes adjusted to the dark. She turned her face towards her bedside table to look at her table clock. It said 2:30 am. It was no coincidence that she woke up at her regular time. She woke up at 2;30 am because her body clock was accustomed to waking up at the same hour every morning, be it a weekday or weekend. She ran through her routine, like clockwork.
When it was time to wake up Andrew, she steeled herself. There was no point in broaching the subject. He had made up his mind. He went about doing his routine morning grooming to get ready for office.
Andrew gave no indication if he was upset about having to wait for Penelope to surrender his passport.
Andrew went about his daily routine. He left home early in the morning and returned late at night. He said he had to do overtime to clear his backlog of work. He had a deadline to complete his tasks before he does the handover to the new project manager.
Penelope logged into her Yahoo email. She visually scanned her Inbox for Andrea’s reply and clicked on it.
Don’t allow him to leave. That woman Magdalene will enjoy the freedom to visit him when he is alone in a foreign country. I can’t persuade him but you must try.
Penelope shivered. Magdalene had a secret friendship, relationship and maybe affair with Andrew. She stole Andrew away from her right under her nose.
When Andrew was home and logged into his personal computer, he often left his seat to go to the toilet, to bathe or to the courtyard to smoke. Penelope secretly searched for his Yahoo Messenger. She found some text messages in Andrew’s computer chat. She also scanned his cell phone for text messages. She discovered he had been communicating with a few women. She confronted Andrew.
“I saw you texting women using your pc.”
He said, “Okay, I’m caught. I won’t do it anymore.”
Penelope heaved a sigh of relief. She believed in him. Andrew used to be as good as his word. When he said something, he would do it. If Andrew said he would quit texting women, he would keep his word.
He was low key about it. He knew how to avoid arguments by not escalating the issue. Penelope wasn’t sure that he would be sincere in his proclamation but she gave him the benefit of the doubt. She wasn’t clever enough to deal with this situation. What could she do to ensure that Andrew would do a clean break away from that woman? Was it a coincidence he was leaving her to work overseas? Was the woman the reason why he wanted to live apart from her?
Penelope dreaded the conversation but it eventually came. Andrew once again broached the issue of his passport.
“Can I have my passport?”
“No. You can’t go. You should look for a job here.”
“I can’t find a job here.”
Andrew was insistent. Andrew said he had to continue working for one to two months in lieu of paying a penalty for resigning. He said he had to endure poor treatment from his boss and colleagues as everyone knew he was leaving the company. Andrew continued to go out every morning, returning late at night. Penelope asked him why he had to stay back for overnight.
He said, “I have to finish up whatever I can do for my project. I also have to clean up my computer by removing and deleting files.”
When he returned home every night, he asked, “Can I have my passport?”
He won eventually. He knew more about persistence than Penelope.
He didn’t have time to pack his bags. He had quit his job yet he spent all his time outside. He left home early in the morning and never returned home to sleep. He said he slept in his office because he had to rush to clear his work before handing over to his fill-in. He acted as though he had tons of work to do because he had to clear up his backlog of pending matters before he leaves. He only returned home to shower and change his clothes. Then he left home again. He did this every day.
One morning, he left for office and then called home to instruct Penelope to help pack his luggage.
“But I don’t know what to pack! You have to come home to pack your bags yourself.”
“You can pack for me. Office shirts, pants, home T-shirts and shorts, socks, spare shoes, towels and toilettries.”
“I think you should come home to pack your own suitcase.”
“I’ll be coming but I think I don’t have time to pack. Please pack for me.”
As usual, he had his way.
Penelope chose his newer and less worn dress pants. He had three pairs of dark blue pants. It never occurred to her that she shouldn’t pack pants of the same color as that would give people the impression that the wearer didn’t change their pants for consecutive days.
On his last day in the country, Andrew didn’t even spend time with Penelope. He didn’t return home from the previous night. In the middle of the afternoon, there was a knock at the door. Andrew entered the front door for the last time. Penelope’s heart felt heavy. She couldn’t understand why he chose to leave. He was so secretive, she didn’t even see his air ticket to Thailand. She had always believed him and she didn’t suspect to question him to verify his air ticket.
Andrew appeared distracted.
Penelope said, “You should check your luggage and repack if you want to change some items.”
“No, its okay. I don’t want to take out anything since you’ve already packed everything for me.”
“Please call a taxi for me.”
Penelope was told that a cab would arrive at the ground floor of the main lobby of their apartment block. She accompanied Andrew downstairs to send him off. There was very little time left. Andrew gave her a non-committal hug. Maybe he didn’t trust himself to hug her.
“Maybe I can earn some money to send you.”
Penelope could only hope in her heart.
“Here’s some cash to use until you are paid your first month of salary” Penelope gave Andrew $250.
“Is this enough?”
“I’ll manage it. I can use my credit card for some expenses. My friend is there in Thailand. He can help me.”
The time had come. The taxi had pulled up the driveway.
“Bye. Its time for me to go.”
Andrew loaded his luggage into the truck and quickly got into the back seat. He told an instruction to the driver before the cab sped away. Penelope wasn’t even sure he said to head for the airport. She had very little cash and she didn’t want to spend it on transport going to the airport.
Penelope was sad. “This is it. I’ve gone back to being alone. Its back to only me.” She had already grown accustomed to being left alone in the weeks leading to Andrew’s departure.
Penelope walked back to the elevator and returned home. An unspeakable sadness cloaked itself over Penelope. The first thing that caught her eye was Andrew’s glass mug which he used to drink water. He had insisted to obtain a large glass mug. He said that would be his measure of water he needed to drink each time his glass was refilled. Penelope couldn’t bear to wash his glass. It stood at its pride of place on the dining table. It was the first object that caught her eye whenever she walked past that table. It was a remnant of him.
Penelope thought, “I’m always seeking happiness with a man. I have often failed. Just when I thought I would spend my life with my husband, he runs away. My source of happiness does not want to spend his life with me. In fact, he has become my antagonist, refusing to co-operate with me and preventing me from chasing my dream of happiness. I should have paid attention to my dream. I should have done more to stop Andrew from leaving.”
Penelope half wished she could pity herself. She had to get back to work online. Pity does not pay bills and put food on the table.
What remained of the afternoon passed. Night fell. Penelope ate a small dinner and then went to bed. She felt strange being alone. Andrew had left her before, but those were for brief pockets of time, like a fortnight each time. He used his annual leave for those two weeks, which he spent overseas visiting his parents.
Penelope heard the loud ding, ding, ding of the microwave. It was her neighbor’s microwave. It was so loud, that it sounded as if the ring was inside her kitchen. She heard the contraction sounds of metallic connections that contracted at night and made singular sounds. She closed her eyes. The next thing she knew, she had to get up to go to the bathroom. She walked slowly in the dark.
Penelope stretched out her left hand to switch on the night light beside her bed. Her index finger felt a very sharp pain. Time slowed down. It was as if she was electrocuted by the wall switch. The ceiling light was turned on. She looked at her left hand. It was fine. Why did she feel pain? Maybe it was due to a stiff joint? She had suspected herself of having a touch or rheumatism or arthritis whenever she felt stabs of pain in her fingers, toes, elbow, and knee cap. She looked at her left hand. There was no burn mark. In fact, it looked normal and there was nothing extraordinary. Was it a dream? Had she been dreaming and sleep walking? What is her reality? She looked for Andrew. He was no longer sleeping beside her. “This is real. This is not a dream” She rationalized that if she saw Andrew beside her, she would be dreaming, since she consciously knew that he had flown overseas.
If she wasn’t dreaming about suffering an electric shock, then what happened to her left hand? Maybe she had rheumatism or arthritis which caused the jabs of pain.
She returned to bed and blanked out her mind. She needed to sleep in order to function the next day.
Penelope woke up to her alarm ringing at 2:30 am. She looked at the single cot bed next to her Queen sized double bed. Empty. Andrew had left. Maybe forever. She quickly eased herself out of bed to avoid disturbing Yvonne. She went to the toilet to wash her face, brush her teeth, and do the rest of her early morning toilet routine. The water was cold. She splashed several plastic scoops of water over herself and applied soap. Then she poured several more scoops of water to wash away the soap. That was her shower.
Walking to the living room, she switched on her modem, router and then computer. While the equipment whirred to life, she fetched her mug of water to microwave for coffee. Whether she dumped in instant coffee powder and sugar into the water first, and then boiled the liquid, or boiled the water first, before dumping in coffee powder and sugar, they all tasted the same. She was careful to measure out one teaspoon of the coffee powder. She had to make that bottle of coffee powder stretch for as long as possible. Strong coffee powder was expensive. Penelope was grateful for the coffee. Silently, she mentally composed a simple prayer to thank God for giving her this beverage. It was her prop to hold her up from 2:30 am until 9:30 pm. Crazy hours was the bane of work-from-home freelancers.
Indolina, one of her neighbors in the same estate, wanted to know why she didn’t find a real job that requires working at the company premises. “I can’t do so many part time assignments while maintaining a 9-to-5 job. I have to work on Saturdays too.”
She was prepared for the subsequent question, “Why can’t you give up your part time work? They don’t pay much anyway.” She always explained that her employer could terminate her anytime because the company was a private one who fielded work to employees when there was enough demand for their services. Recently, their only franchise had to close down because of low enrolment for their services. The office was located in a lonely area with low footfall.
Penelope didn’t understand why Indolina could be so insensitive. Then again, she had her own domestic helper who did all the chores, while looking after two children.
Penelope snapped out of her reminiscence. She spotted her day’s work laid out for her. She saved the resources for referencing. Her morning’s work had to completed and submitted online, before she could give herself the luxury to remember old memories.
Penelope barely managed to complete three short articles, before it was time to wake Yvonne. The girl was often eager to rise early as she resented being left out of anything exciting or eventful, while she slept. She would try to wake up early if she could. Otherwise, Penelope had to wake her up on the mornings when her school started earlier for extracurricular activities.
She walked into their master bedroom and gently patted Yvonne’s head.
“Rise and shine sleepyhead.”
“Nooooo.”
Penelope smiled and sat down by the edge of the bed. Drawing on her reserves of patience, she carjoled her daughter to wake up. Never a morning person, Yvonne was a slow poke in rising from her bed.
Penelope pulled a fresh sheet of wet wipe from the tub by the bedside table and proceeded to wipe sleep off the girl’s face. She coaxed Yvonne to take her first sip of water for the day, from a mug. She went through the morning routine like a zombie.
After breakfast, Yvonne changed into her going to school clothes , wore her socks and shoes and lugged her school bag to the door.
“Have you packed your books for today’s time table?”
“Yeah.”
“Do you want to pack an extra box of green tea?”
“No. I won’t need it.”
“Do you need anything else?”
“No. Let’s go. We’re running short of time.”
With that, they both walked out of the front door and headed for school. Penelope was grateful to have Yvonne enrolled in the nearest neighborhood school. This saved enormous amounts of time traveling to and fro from school. With a quick wave, Yvonne bade her mother goodbye and walked past her school gates.
Penelope walked back home. It was abnormal Andrew was gone forever. He had not mentioned when he would return. He took on a job and would be working at it for as long as he was gainfully employed.
Penelope turned her key into the keyhole and opened the door. She always felt relieved to walk through the door. She loved living in this home. It was sparse but it was her home. She was free from verbal abuse, fear, emotional turmoil, mental torture and social injustice from living in her natal family home. Anything could become a trigger
The first day without Andrew was strange. Overnight, Penelope became a single parent without Andrew. Her world of emotions turned topsy turvy when Andrew walked out. Why didn’t she pay more attention to the dream of Andrew walking on the street with his girlfriend-mistress? Dreams! She had studied dreams. She knew dreams could foretell the future, not because they were prophetic, but because they were triggered and invented due to the brain’s intuitions. There could have been indications that Andrew was cheating and having a woman on the side. He often returned home late. He placed Penelope and Yvonne second behind whoever he worshipped. Heck, he left Penelope and Yvonne waiting in the dark night, on a deserted road, while he hailed the first taxi that passed by. He said his friend was waiting for him. Penelope assumed it was a male friend. Too late, she realized she must have been wrong. Men are generally not so conscientious as to arrange for late night meetings to talk about work. She was too innocent. She had trusted Andrew. Now he has discarded her.
She had to maintain the facade of normalcy. Yvonne and herself had to continue living.
Penelope felt alone. Yvonne occupied her time and attention, and distracted her. When Yvonne was away at school, Penelope had to do her freelance work on her computer. Little pockets of time were created to cook, clean, run errands and do whatever else necessary to maintain her small household. Soon, it was time to walk to school to fetch Yvonne home.
On Saturdays, Yvonne got to go out to the mall where her tuition school conducted language and essay writing classes. On Sunday evenings, she had art class. Having activities to engage in on weekends made time pass faster. These enrichment classes helped to fill the void Andrew left behind. Still, Yvonne might sometimes say, “I don’t have a father.” Penelope felt sad but there was nothing she could do. She was exhausted from working at her computer, at housework and in childcare.
Yvonne’s classmates knew her dad had traveled overseas. Penelope warned her not to speak of it. It was too much for a young girl to keep secret. She told her friends that her dad traveled overseas to work in a job there. He never visited because air tickets cost money and they three were poor.
The men in the neighborhood stalked lone women. They didn’t work in regular jobs. They had time to hang around the neighborhood and watch women and men as they go about their ordinary lives.
Andrew never remitted any money for her household or for their daughter. He didn’t keep to his bargain to leave their homeland. Penelope excused this to his cost of living and his low salary in the local currency of renminbi. She was used to his style of flippant statements and never keeping his end of his bargain. She was gone from his sight and it was the usual case of out of sight, out of mind. His earlier promise flew out of is mind when he flew away.
Penelope thought of ways to earn more money. The first was to explore squeezing her present customers to yield more fruits. The second would be to venture farther afield to search for paying work.
She clicked on Yahoo mail and logged in. Composing an email, she typed:
Dear Maryjane,
Do you have more freelance writing work for me to do? How much more money can I earn by doing the extra work?
Regards,Penelope.
She crossed her fingers on her left hand and with her right hand, clicked “send”.
Penelope logged into her online bank account. She looked at her account balance and shook with fear. She has to budget this month. She quickly opened her work file and websites. Scrolling down several web pages, she found her subject material and started work.
After several minutes, Penelope was alerted to an incoming email. She clicked on the icon and was taken to Yahoo mail. Her boss (and client) had replied.
You may write an additional two posts per day and get paid 25% more than your present wage.
Regards,Maryjane.
Penelope cried. That meant double the work and half the pay for this extra load. It would be better not to accept on this term. She has to try her luck elsewhere.
Would her wage improve next month?
Penelope emailed Andrew as a last resort.
Hi. I’m not making enough money to sustain my household. Can you come and help?
He replied: Let me see what I can do. Its not easy to leave my job because I want to quit. I’ll inform you. We may need to change our landline telephone number to avoid getting calls from my boss.
Morning after morning, Penelope worked hard to improve her financial position. There was nothing she could do but type as much content as she could. She felt it was a losing battle. Her finances didn’t improve. She was in constant stress and pressure to do better.
One night, she dreamed she was hard at work in her kitchen. She was using her rolling pin to knead a small ball of dough, to make roti, or flat bread. She dropped her rolling pin on the floor. To her horror, it started rolling away. The rolling pin had kinetic energy and rolled farther away. Somehow, it garnered potential energy too, and this consequently was changed into kinetic energy. Penelope chased after it.
“Hey, come back! You’re my rolling pin!” The ground which Penelope was standing on, became a slope downhill. The rolling pin sped downhill. She ran down the slope and suddenly, she fell with a hard splat. She hit her lower jaw on the ground.
“Owww … oowww,” she moaned. She was aware of having fallen on the ground. “How did I get here?” She touched her jaw and was aware of acute pain. She ran her tongue over her teeth. They seemed to be all intact. “That dream!” She thought. “That dream was so real. I even fell down from bed as a part of the dream!”
“What’s the meaning of dreaming of a rolling pin? Its only a kitchen utensil. If I were to use a rolling pin, it can mean I would be busy. But what would I be busy with? Will I be busy with a new project? Where would I look to get a new project?”
Penelope lay in bed pondering these questions.
@
The days passed. As difficult as it was to pass the time while Andrew was gone, time and tide waited for no man nor woman. Penelope had to keep on doing her work. Her Yahoo email was always logged in and Andrew communicated to her via Yahoo! Messenger. Like the way he used to send text messages to Magdalene. He had no qualms using the same medium to communicate with the two women in his life.
Andrew made it clear he was gone forever because he had a job and a life in China. Chatting with him online was only a matter of keeping in touch. Like saying hello to an old friend. He wasn’t ever coming back.
The days turned into weeks and the weeks, into months. Soon, the months became one year. Then she was back to counting the days, weeks, months and years.
Life was hard but there was money to be made. There wasn’t enough money to be saved. Penelope couldn’t believe she was able to make money with work from home (WFH) assignments. In her mind, WFH wasn’t legitimate. People in society didn’t respect this niche. Indeed, some neighbors were incredulous when they heard her telling them about getting work online through emails and sending in work online.
Cindy, a neighbor living in another block, asked her for leads. Penelope gave her the website name of a company who bought non-fiction articles from writers.
Mindy, another neighbor from a neighborhood in another district, told Penelope she was job hunting. Cindy wanted a job in a computer company. She was conversant in Japanese language and wanted to use her ability to get a job that would credit her skills.
Penelope was grateful for work. She knew there were cases where there was no money to be earned even when there was work. Many women couldn’t find suitable work that they could do on a part-time basis.
One day, something happened that slowly brought down Penelope’s world. The search engines changed their algorithms that trawled the internet for web pages. Web writers who used the old method of boosting their webpages to attract web traffic tasted pure fear. Their old methods failed to work. Google used a different programming to stop sending traffic to websites that capitalized on simple tricks to attract web crawlers. Writers and operators experienced plunges in traffic volumes. Gone too were the ad revenues. Penelope began to shake with fear. What was she going to do? She tried to change her style of writing. It didn’t help to bring in the numbers. She emailed Andrew for help.
Dear Andrew,
I’m having trouble making enough money for my household expenses. Can you come back to help me?
Penelope didn’t sign off with her correspondence with Andrew. She left it open ended because she felt that was the way with him.
Andrew replied.
Dear Penelope,
I’ll try to come if my boss allows me to take some leave. I’ll inform you later.
Penelope felt her heart sinking. She didn’t think Andrew was committed to return.
@
Penelope resumed her daily routine. One morning, she was typing out a piece of work when her concentration was interrupted.
There was a strange knocking at the main door. It was a characteristic combination of raps in a beat. Knock-knock-knock-knock-knock. Knock-knock. That was Andrew’s signature rap on the main door.
Her heart skipped a beat or two.
“Andrew?” Penelope thought. She rushed to the peephole and peered through the tiny aperture. Yes! She threw open the door and ushered him in. He was pulling two luggage bags on wheels. These were originally taken from their home. The large sized luggage had frayed seams. It has seen three years away from its homeland.
“Why didn’t you call or write to inform me?” She already knew the answer. He wanted to check on her to see if she had a new man living inside their matrimonial home. After all, it has been three years since he last stepped into it.
“I wanted to surprise you.” This was a white lie but she let it slide as usual.
“You’ve gained weight.”
“Yes. Its very cold there. I had to eat to grow a layer of fat to insulate against the cold.”
He was fat. He beefed up to insulate against the cold winters.
“Where’s Yvonne? Is she at school?”
Penelope nodded.
“I want to go and fetch her from school. I want to surprise her.”
Penelope nodded.
Andrew sat at their hanging swing seat. He liked to rock the swing and use that motion as a distraction. He liked to distract himself while he talked. It seemed to allay the seriousness of whatever he was talking about. That was one of his annoying habits. Penelope sometimes thought he didn’t place respectful attention to serious concerns.
“How are your finances?”
“Not good. I’m not earning enough money to cover my expenses. I’ve started to use my savings.”
“Maybe you can try cutting down your expenses.”
“No. I’m only making $400 a month. There’s no way my household can run with lesser money.”
“What have you been eating for your food?”
“Noodles. Instant noodles are my best friend.”
“I see. Can you do something to adjust to the search engine’s new algorithm?”
“I’ve tried my best but I’m losing out to Google’s new algorithm. I’m not getting enough traffic for paid advertising revenue.”
“There must be something you can try.” Andrew’s face was blank. Was that due to unconcern?
“I’ve tried everything I could think of. Adding content, adding images, using keywords … all the SEO tricks of the trade. I’m not earning enough traffic for money.”
“You should sue Google for spoiling your income.”
“I don’t have money to start an expensive lawsuit against an oligarchy.”
“Google should compensate you for your loss in income.”
“I think I want to sell our apartment. We don’t have money to continue living here.”
“Selling this home is a big move. Where shall we go to live?”
“Can we go and live with your parents? Can you ask them?”
“Yes, I can ask them. I’m sure they’ll say yes. But this is a drastic action. Maybe I should move back here and get a job here.”
“You always say you’re moving back here but you never do it.”
“I need time to think.”
“I’m running out of time and money. I’ve used up all my savings in my bank account.”
“OK. I’ll see what I can do to speed things up.”
“I want to sell this apartment so that we have money to earn interest for our monthly expenses when we are living with your parents.”
“Selling our only home is very serious. We’ll have no home to return to in case the option of staying with my parents does not work out.”
“We can buy our own house in a cheap place.”
“Yes, but you’ll be committing yourself there. You might not like living there and you’ll want to move away. Then you’re stuck with your house until you sell it. Its always easier to buy than to sell.”
“What other option is there?”
“We can stay in my parents’ house until you’re sure about living in that area permanently.”
“So I can contact the housing agent to tell him to start marketing this unit?”
“Okay. Who is your property agent?”
“His name is Dante. He’s Polly’s friend.”
“So your herbalist Polly has used his services before?”
“Yes. Polly said we can trust Dante to do his best.”
“Okay. You should fix an appointment while I’m still here visiting. I want to meet him.”
“Okay. Are you planning to get some sleep before Yvonne returns home from school?”
“If I sleep now, I’ll crash and won’t be able to wake up until tomorrow morning.”
“That bad, huh?”
“Yes. I didn’t sleep properly for about 2 days. I tried to catch a nap while in a transit airport but it was very uncomfortable to sleep on a chair.”
“You can catch some winks before Yvonne gets released from school. I’m sure you plan to fetch her and surprise her.”
“Yes. That’s my plan. What time does she get off?”
“3 p.m.”
“I have plenty of time to spare. Let’s talk about your finances.”
“They’re bad. Ever since Google changed their search algorithm, my site does not get traffic from visitors.”
“Can’t you do something about this problem?”
“No. I lack technical knowledge to handle this.”
“How about asking your friend Erros? He’s an expert in SEO.”
“He’s not interested to do website development. Money can’t buy his time. I’ve asked him for help but he said to continue doing what I do and maybe traffic will pick up after the algorithm steadies.”
“Maybe you can write in to Google and ask them what’s the problem with your website?”
“No. Google is a giant and they won’t help me.”
“I read that some people are suing Google for loss of earnings after it changed the search engine algorithms. Maybe you should consider filing a lawsuit against Google.”
“No. I don’t have extra money to blow on a lawsuit against a huge organization.”
“How will you carry on? What will you do for money?”
“How about using money to make money?”
“What kind of investments can you do to make enough money to support yourself and Yvonne?”
“How about learning from your parents? They’ve been supporting themselves from mutiple income streams for the past 20 years after retirement.”
“Yes. They’re having income from fixed deposits and bonds.”
“Maybe that could work for us too? I plan to continue to search for work as a freelance writer.”
“I see. Its good to have at least one backup plan.”
“Are you coming back to live with us here? You can help by contributing to household expenses.”
“I’ll have to see how I can leave my teaching position. My boss recruited me and its difficult to resign and leave just like that. They’ll have to find a replacement for me.”
“Please start to prepare to leave. Send in your resignation letter.”
“I’ll start working on that when I get back there. Can you ask your father for help?”
“No. He’s not the type to pass handouts. He always says children above 21 years old must take care of themselves.”
“I didn’t know he was so strict. What time is it now? Is it time to fetch Yvonne yet?”
“You have one hour. Would you like to eat lunch now?”
“Yes, please. If it is not too much trouble. Do you have anything to cook at home?”
“Yes. I always keep some vegetables in the fridge.”
Penelope wasn’t too hopeful after this short discussion. Andrew didn’t offer concrete ways that might resolve her financial problems. She walked into her kitchen and opened her fridge. There was always broccoli. She took out the bunch. She also had a small cup of store bought yogurt. She opened her kitchen drawers to search for beans. She found a small bag of rice and several small packets of beans. She chose the smallest sized beans for easier cooking. She always kept a small basket of onions and garlic. Andrew liked his vegetables friend with onion and garlic. He also liked a side of raw onions.
Penelope pulled out all the vegetables and beans she kept in her fridge and pantry. She had sufficient ingredients to whip up a meal.
Initially, Penelope was worried about cooking in the style Andrew was used to eating at home. It has been three years since she last cooked for him. Can she remember how to cook for Andrew?
She peeled a big onion and cut it into quarters. She washed the beans in a pot and covered them with double the quantity of water to make a soup.
Two quarters of the onion went into the bean pot and the remaining two were placed on Andrew’s lunch plate. She washed and cut the broccoli. Not too fine or else the flowers would soften and get mashed during cooking. Nobody likes to eat gluey greens.
She peeled onions, garlic and ginger. She sliced these thinly for frying to make the base gravy thick. One vegetable, one bean gravy and one carbohydrate which was rice.
She stuck her head out of the kitchen and said, “You can rest or use the mini-computer in the spare bedroom. It’ll take some time for your meal to get cooked.”
“No problem. No hurry. I’m not that hungry.”
Penelope felt strange as she started her routine. She had not cooked vegetarian cuisine since the day Andrew left their home. She wasn’t sure if he told his cab driver to head for the airport, or any other destination. She didn’t know for sure if he left home to fly overseas or maybe he left this home to live elsewhere in the same country. Her head was filled with thoughts. She stopped cooking Andrew’s food since he left and she wasn’t sure she could remember how to cook food the way he preferred. It has been three years since she last cooked vegetarian meals.
Smells permeated the kitchen. She had forgotten what it was like to smell beans cooking in the pot.
Penelope was profoundly curious about Andrew’s luggage. She walked over to his large suitcase which was open on the floor. Andrew had unlocked it to take out a fresh change of clothes. He had been wearing his clothes for the past few days when he was at airports, in transit, for the flight back to his previous home. Shiny packages caught her eye. He brought presents despite Penelope telling him she didn’t want any. Perhaps these are for Yvonne? Penelope lifted a package. It was addressed to a female name. She was crestfallen. He didn’t leave his old ways.
Penelope sifted through layers of shirts and pants. She found two large Manila envelopes. Opening them, she say they contained certificates of attendance for a seminar, conducted at Andrew’s place of work. One certificate was addressed to Andrew. The other certificate was dedicated to a female name. The same female name that appeared on the lettering on the present.
So Andrew lied. He arranged to quit his job to move overseas, so that Magdalene could visit him in peace without her interference. Penelope felt cold. Like somebody had walked over her grave. Her marriage was essentially over.
While Andrew was in the bathroom, Penelope went through his personal carry-on messenger bag. She searched for his passport. She leafed through the pages of immigration stamps. She looked for his entry into Thailand. He said he flew into Thailand to visit his friend who found a job there. He said he would ask for help to get his job there. Penelope’s heart was racing as she flipped through the pages. She found an entry into India and its corresponding exit. There was no entry stamp into Thailand.
Andrew lied. Where did he go if he didn’t go to Thailand? He went straight to India. Why did he lie if he went straight to India? Why did he have to lie?
Andrew’s passport had an opague plastic cover. The front cover had small windows of clear plastic. These windows allowed the view of some words on the front cover of the passport. The back cover was opaque. There was a slight raised bump on the inside of this back cover. It looked like there could be something inside this back cover. Se put a finger into the the space between the plastic cover and back page of the passport. Yes, she was correct. She felt the edge of paper. With her two fingers, she gripped the paper and pulled it out. The paper was a passport size photo. A woman stared at her. Her passport photo was glued to an immigration card for social visit travelers into the country. Is this the woman named Magdalene? She must be for Andrew never mentioned any other woman’s name. What was her photo doing inside the jacket flap cover of Andrew’s passport? He must have placed it there. Why was the immigration card torn? Maybe she had visited and before she left, she might have given Andrew her card, because it had her passport sized photo on it.
Penelope was pained. There was nothing she could do to prevent Andrew from socializing with that woman. He chose to work and live in another country. She had no money to retain Andrew by her side. She could try to talk to him again about moving back to live together.
Penelope removed the woman’s photo. She knew Andrew had a short memory and would not be looking for it in the next few days. He would be busy here and would not be thinking of that woman. Penelope kept the woman’s photo in a secret place. She heard Andrew opening his bathroom’s door. He would be walking out in no time. She should not let him catch her ruffling through his personal belongings, especially since he had secretly hid his girlfriend’s photo in his passport’s protective jacket flap.
She walked quickly to her computer desk and sat down. Why wasn’t she upset and crying? She had expected it. She had suspected it all along. Andrew left her under mysterious circumstances and he didn’t even have a confirmed job when he went searching in Thailand. That Thailand story was sheer fabrication to move away from her.
Andrew walked to the swing seat. It was a rattan basket seat made for one and the whole basket was suspended on a strong metal stand. The basket seat was a low two feet off the ground. People with long legs found no problem sitting on this suspended basket. Penelope was short and struggled to position herself to sit in it.
“Hey Andrew”
*Penelope steadied her nerves to prepare to talk to her real estate agent Dante. He was recommended by a mutual friend, her herbalist, Polly, who had been treating her poor health for many years. Polly bought her homes and sold them through Dante. She said Dante was honest and that was very important in a property agent.
Andrew was in the guest room, using the computer. She used the landline in the living room. She dialed his number and immediately felt a tinge of regret. She almost wanted to hang up. The telephone was answered after several rings.
“Hello, Dante. My name is Penelope. My friend Polly introduced your name to me because I needed a property agent”.
“Hello. Its nice to know that Polly thought of me.”
“I need to discuss with you about selling my apartment.”
“Okay. Have you found your real estate agent to market the apartment?”
“No. I thought I would give you priority over others because you were highly recommended by Polly. I called you because I need you to fix an appointment to see my apartment and bring the forms over for me to sign.”
“Okay. How about the day after tomorrow? That’ll give you one day to tidy up your apartment before I come to make an informal appraisal.”
“Okay, the day after tomorrow will be fine.”
“Thank you. I’ look forward to seeing you soon.”
“Yes. Thanks for accommodating my request at such short notice.”
“No problem. This is a part of my job. Be seeing you soon. Bye.”
“Bye.”
The line went dead with a click.
Penelope felt sad. This was her first real home as an adult. She experienced peace and freedom away from her Dad, who used to rain criticism on her. She had great memories in this home. Tears dripped down her face. He didn’t offer to help with her finances. She ought to feel disappointed. He didn’t think to ask how she would manage after moving out. He didn’t ask where she would go to live. He didn’t offer his home to her. He was a strange father. He was always taking care of his pocketbook.
Penelope washed her face and dried her eyes. She smelled the aroma of cooking vegetables, signaling the dishes were ready. She walked into the kitchen to switch off the gas burners. Fetching the plates from the kitchen’s overhead cabinet, she scooped out portions of the steaming food. These were dishes Andrew used to eat every day three years ago. Her head was filled with nostalgia. Much has changed with each of them and between them. During these three long years apart, she toiled for Yvonne and herself, while he toiled for himself and who else?
Penelope set the table for lunch. She left Andrew alone to eat quietly in peace. He had his habit of concentrating on his food while eating. He would not be making any conversation while chewing his food.
Penelope returned to her home work station, which was her computer table. She tried to resume where she had left off to attend to this new change.
Andrew still maintained his habit of chewing his food slowly. Eventually, he got up from the table and went to the bathroom to comb his hair.
“How do I look? Do you think she will be able recognize me?”
“You look fine. Of course she can remember your face. She has been looking at old photographs of you.” “Okay. Its time to go.”
“I’ll be accompanying you but I’ll hide away from her line of view.”
“Yes, that’s the plan. I want to surprise her by greeting her at her school gate.”
“Yes, this is an opportunity of a life time. Let’s go.”
Penelope switched off all electrical appliances and grabbed her handbag. She slipped on her pair of slippers and followed Andrew out the main door.
The school children were already streaming out of the building. The lower grade classes were the first to be dismissed. A few teachers stood at attention as they watched for parents to walk up to their kids to claim them.
Andrew walked slowly to the front. He spotted his daughter and waved enthusiastically. Yvonne was too shy to say anything. She walked up to him in silence. Penelope thought it was very good of her to recognize him after three years.
Yvonne looked for her Mom. “Daddy’s home. Why didn’t you tell me that he was coming back?”
“I didn’t know about it. He kept it a surprise.”
“Daddy? Why didn’t you tell us you were coming back?”
“I wanted to surprise you.”
“Did you bring me presents?”
“Yes. They’re in my suitcase.”
“Yay! I can’t wait to see them.”
It was a short walk back home.
“Where’s your luggage? I want to see my presents!” Yvonne flew through the door.
Yvonne was very excited to see the presents her Dad brought back for her. She opened his large suitcase and immediately pounced on some shiny gift wrapped packages.
“Those are not for you.” Andrew said.
“Whose presents are they?” Yvonne was shaking a large, thin package.
“They’re for relatives.”
“Who are those relatives? Do I know them?” Yvonne was curiously fingering the wrapped gifts.
“We have many relatives whom you have yet to meet. Here, let me take out your gifts.”
Andrew enjoyed his time with Yvonne as he pulled out many things from his suitcase. Her gifts were unwrapped as he wanted ease of identification.
When Yvonne was busy opening her gifts, Penelope took the opportunity to speak to Andrew.
“Are you going to meet the real estate agent with me? He will come to see our apartment soon.”
“Sure.”
“Okay. I’ll make the arrangements then.” Penelope breathed a sigh of relief. Andrew would provide some moral support for her by his mere presence. She would be less likely to get emotional or breakdown with him around.
She went into the guest bedroom to call the property evaluation firm. It was necessary to obtain a formal evaluation to prove to the apartment viewers the gross worth of the apartment. One single visit from an agent would cost her a cool $500. She would be handing over that check on the day the evaluator showed up. Penelope sighed. Her meager savings would shrink. She didn’t even dare look to Andrew for financial help. He also never thought to offer any help. He had never sent any money for her or Yvonne. He assumed she was managing well.
Soon, Penelope received a call to fix an appointment for the evaluator to assess her apartment. Penelope was nervous. This was the first concrete step in the journey to sell her apartment. Luckily, Yvonne was away at school when the evaluator arrived. She was saved from the emotional trauma of knowing she would be parted from her first home forever. Yvonne was very attached to this home. She was too young to know they barely had sufficient furniture to serve their needs.
Penelope and Andrew discussed the upcoming visit and they decided not to tell Yvonne. She would be at school and none the wiser. The company sent a female evaluator who was cool and unfriendly. She looked over the apartment with ill concealed disgust. Penelope was almost embarrassed at having to invite her over, because she was destitute and required the evaluation to sell her apartment. She didn’t want to be influenced to mention a higher than fair evaluation. She made some handwritten notes in her file and promised to send the formal evaluation letter soon.
Yvonne enjoyed her days with her Daddy. He walked her to school and dropped her off at the school gate. At dismissal, he was waiting at the gate to claim her. It was as if he never went away to live in another country. The days and nights passed quickly.
Soon, one week was over. The long awaited formal appraisal arrived in the mail. Penelope opened it with bated breath. It was a fair amount based on what the other apartments in the same neighborhood were getting.
With her apartment evaluation in hand, Penelope called up Dante to book an appointment for his viewing and informal evaluation. She dialed his cell phone number. It was busy. She went to do some housework, before dialing his number again.
“Hello?”
“Hi. May I speak to Dante?”
“Yes, I’m Dante. How can I help you?”
“I want to sell my apartment and would like to appoint you as my agent.”
“Great. Text me your address and we’ll talk when we fix an appointment.”
“Sure. Thanks. Be seeing you then.”
Yvonne talked with her Dad. Penelope barely heard what they were chatting about. She was busy thinking about their upcoming meeting with the property agent Dante. She tried her best to push thoughts of Andrew’s relationship with the other woman away. Whenever she looked at Andrew, That woman’s face was there to mock her. She won. She had Andrew for three years when he was overseas. She had freedom to visit Andrew during those three years, while they languished in uncertainty and hardship. Penelope worked as a freelancer without expectation of a base pay. In a good month, she earned a decent sum which was sufficient to afford tuition for Yvonne. In lean months, she scrimped.
Penelope’s staple was Ramen, frozen cod nuggets, broccoli, biscuits, coffee, tea, and hot chocolate. She fed Yvonne her favorite vermicelli, Ramen, biscuits, fruit juices, spinach, Fuji apples, oranges, strawberries and the occasional McDonalds, Burger King or Popeye’s.
She hardly bought any clothes. Her clothes were weary and faded from washings. She wore Japanese slippers everywhere she went. Sometimes Yvonne asked for shoes and Penelope cried inwardly. A pair of Converse sneakers cost $70 and she couldn’t really afford them but she had to buy them for her daughter.
“How many days are you staying with us?” Yvonne’s question broke through Penelope’s meandering thoughts.
“Many days. Daddy will stay with you for many days.” That was Andrew’s way of evading the real answer. Penelope knew he would be leaving soon.
To the young kid, many days seemed like eternity. She was satisfied with his answer for now.
The three of them returned to their old ways. The day ended with nightfall. Dinner was uneventful. Andrew took his old bed beside the queen sized bed for the females.
“Daddy is sleeping in his old bed.”
“Yes, I still fit into my old bed.”
@
Andrew looked at his brand new old track shoes sitting at the shoes rack. He lifted them up and examined them closely. They he tried them on his feet. He walked around in them for a bit.
“I’ll have to start wearing them,” he told Penelope. “The glue has dried and the soles may detach at any time.”
Penelope nodded because she was too sad to say anything. She paid $200 for those shoes to sit on the shoe rack for as many years as Andrew was away and now they are condemned to spoil and be thrown away soon. That’s the problem when one does not pay for something himself. He does not feel the pinch for spending the money and has no qualms for tossing away good money.
“Tomorrow is the last day of my holiday here with you two. I have to catch my flight out tomorrow evening.”
“When will we see you again?”
“Let me see. I’ll inform you when I can get my next leave.”
Andrew stayed with them for 14 days before he flew off. He left as quietly as he came. He had no regrets leaving his daughter again, for an indefinite period of time.
Andrew returned to his unreliable self. He was un-contactable when he desired to ignore Penelope. He never spoke of moving back. Penelope pressed for an answer. I’m running out of money, she wrote him.
Dante, the housing agent, was slow in finalizing a deal. He partnered with co-brokers to widen his business circle of contacts. He used Penelope’s apartment as a stepping stone to gain entry into her housing estate, where he networked with other agents who had clients also desiring to sell their apartments in the same estate. This way, the agents pooled together their clients, who also enjoyed more units to select.
Dante’s wife, Emerald, was generally suspicious of all his female clients, even when they looked old and unattractive to men. She was fiercely jealous and protective of her husband. She would wear the shortest dress whenever she went house viewing with her husband. She took the pains to study the required courses, and sat for the exams, to become a real estate agent. She had to have valid reason to shadow her husband, instead of appearing as the nagging wife clinging to her husband’s boxer shorts.
Emerald accompanied her husband when he made an appointment with Penelope to conduct a house viewing for Penelope’s apartment. Emerald behaved coldly. She refused to introduce herself as Dante’s wife. She walked in behind him and checked out the apartment. She was looking for tell tale clues of marital discord. There were no wedding pictures, nor family photographs on display. That was reason enough for Emerald to frame suspicions on Penelope. Furthermore, the apartment was sparsely furnished. Penelope wore cheap clothing bought off the racks and open air market stalls. What Emerald could not appreciate was that Penelope spent her honest, hard earned money to obtain what she had. Penelope had no rich husband to gift her branded luxury clothing. Emerald had no qualms on spending her husband’s money to show others how she had him under her thumbs. In fact, Dante was so domesticated that she could manipulate him with only one thumb.
Penelope was too innocent for this sly woman who was falsely accusing her of impropriety. She was innocently happy to see Dante’s wife. She thought it was a pleasure to be introduced to her. Instead, she was met with cold behavior. She couldn’t figure it out until the whole scheme of accusation, jealousy and gas-lighting came clear.
Dante tried to sell the apartment on his own. He eventually learned it was tough as some odds were stacked against him. The unit was located opposite a hospital and that was taboo in some cultures. The superstitious people refused to even step in to view the unit because they believed the spirits of dead people could be roaming about.
Dante turned to his colleagues to do co-brokering. He promised to share his 2% commission with any of his partners if they could manage to sell his client’s apartment.
The first client he brought was a successful business woman. She was searching to buy an apartment for her mother. She was young but showed empathy for Penelope. She understood that the condition of the simple bare furnishing meant the owner was poor. She understood the hardship of selling. This woman brought her mother to view the apartment. The older woman hated the place because it was directly opposite the hospital. She was afraid of the bad luck it could bring.
She was so pissed off that her daughter brought her here to view, that she took it out with everyone.
“This apartment is angular. I can’t do anything for its furnishing and decoration,” said the old woman.
Dante tried to persuade her by touting the merits of the architect’s floor plan .He said, “Angular designs give you more space.”
The young woman looked apologetic as she glanced at Penelope. She was young, sincere and sweet enough to show empathy.
Penelope knew the woman tried. She was touched by the viewer’s attempts to console her.
Dante brought many more prospective buyers to view the apartment. There were even her neighbors living in the same estate. An Indian woman who viewed the apartment but never said anything nor made any offer. Penelope recognized her as a neighbor as she had seen her before, walking from the main gate out to the train station 1 km away. This woman appeared like clockwork because she stuck to her regular schedule to leave home. Just like Penelope did, to send Yvonne to school and run her chores before returning home.
Dante was not informed. Penelope didn’t like to talk too much to him. She was an introvert and didn’t socialize with her neighbors beyond those who had shared interests. Dante wanted to know about her immediate neighbors on the same level as her apartment. He thought he could make a big deal out of boasting about good neighbors. He wanted to make that his selling point. He brought another neighbor, who made his voice heard. This was a Caucasian man who tried to be too clever. He alleged that the master bedroom’s attached bathroom’s ceiling was leaking. He even pointed out damp door frames, damp bathroom cabinets and moldy bathroom ceilings. He said he thought the pipes running overhead behind the false ceiling, had leaked to cause the dampness. Then he used the defect to ask for a discount of at least $150 000. Penelope’s heart was heavy. She wanted to cry. She needed to sell her home for money. Here was this man trying to bulldoze his way.
The courtyard had a damaged wall from a repair many years ago. The apartment was less than two years old and still under warranty. The estate management took responsibility for repairing the external wall and waterproofing. The wall’s paint and plaster were damaged. The management said they didn’t have the same color of paint to touch up the wall.
All the potential buyers who viewed voiced their concern over the appearance of the wall. It looked bad. None would take the explanation at face value. They believed their eyes.
Penelope hired her own external small job contractor to paint the wall for $180. She sent a text message to Dante to inform him that there would be no viewings until the wall was painted. He mistrusted her. The first time he returned for a new appointed viewing, he was on edge or uncomfortable. He was suspicious as to why viewing was stopped for a particular day. he thought Penelope had arranged her own appointment for a viewing, or maybe she allowed another real estate agent to conduct a viewing on that day. Penelope had texted him to explain that she was having the courtyard’s wall painted. The first time Dante came again after the wall was painted, he immediately made a beeline for it. He wanted to see the evidence for his own eyes. He asked Penelope how much money she paid to touch up the entire wall. She told him. He kind of whistled. He reacted as if that was a big amount for a small bit of work. She knew but she was at the mercy of the odd job contractor. Who else would scrape the wall and paint it for her? She had to hire the professional.
Dante’s expression suggested she could have left the defaced wall as it is and let the new owner pay for the small repainting work. However, Penelope had suffered stress, anxieties and other negatives when the apartment viewers complained about the sorry looking wall. It looked as if it was damp and the plaster and paint had cracked and peeled away.
Dante did his networking to team up with other property agents who were selling units in the same estate. They would show the same client, all their combined properties in the same estate. This way, the client could see a few properties in the same estate, on the same day and almost within the same time slot. The client could then decide if they were interested in one choice out of this bunch of units. If the client signed the option to purchase and really followed through the purchase, all the agents would share the commission earned. The probability of the client choosing an apartment from the group of apartments was increased because of the availability of choices. Some units were beautiful because the owners could afford to spend money on interior decoration to spice up the look of their home.
Some viewers brought assessment sheets which were given to them by their respective agents. They had to rate and grade their responses to each property they viewed. At the end of the combined viewing, they would go through all their assessment sheets to see which property they gave their highest rating. That would be the closest match for their needs. A tornado of house viewers came and left. Either the apartment wasn’t attractive enough to sell itself, or the buyers actually lacked ready cash to sign the deal. The unit was quite bare, with just essential sticks of furniture. There was no interior decoration. From the minute you walked in, you could a function small round dining table. This was hijacked by the computer and became Penelope’s computer desk. The living room had a small sitting set which comprised of a glass top table, two single seaters made of hard wire twine, and a double seater sofa in hard wire twine. This set was arranged along one wall of the sitting room, while its opposite wall was honored with the placement of the TV console. Penelope bought the sitting set because it was small, portable for easy arrangement and affordable. It was originally made in Vietnam or Myanmar. The TV used to be on top of a heavy duty TV console but the screen gave out after seven years and it was tossed out. Now the heavy console with its display cabinet and side cupboards was used to store an old DVD player, discs and audio discs. A study desk shared this wall with the old console. A decent office chair on swivel partnered this desk.
The master bedroom’s built-in wardrobe left only half the room available for placing the Queen sized bed. Penelope put a small coffee table by the wall. On it stood a table fan and other things like the bedside alarm clock, jug of water and a cup.
The guest bedroom opened to a built-in wardrobe by the side of the door. A desk was by the second wall. Its partner was a simple chair. On its opposite wall, there was a single bed. The last remaining wall had three tall windows that looked out to the opposite blocks and downstairs, where the pedestrian paths skirted the buildings. These windows took up the entire wall. Curtains were essential to afford privacy and decency.
Bathrooms are meant to be functional and Penelope left them alone. She had no spare cash to renovate those.
Dante and a few viewers noticed the master bathroom ceiling looked dirty, dusty and maybe moldy. He asked Penelope to get a plumber or contractor to check it out. This process of selling an apartment was starting to drain money. She had paid for an evaluation, painting a damaged wall and now this. She had no choice but to agree. Dante would be suspicious if she didn’t get him the official opinion on what caused the ceiling to look bad.
Penelope called Polly, her herbalist who introduced Dante to her. She told her about Dante’s tactics. The physician felt obligated to provide feedback to Dante since she was the introducer. There was tremendous change. Dante became committed to persuade potential buyers to choose her unit.
@
Dante brought an older woman and her real estate agent to view the apartment. The client wanted to buy a property for investment. She was living in another apartment block in a district nearby. It was a prestigious address. The woman was well groomed and well kept. She lived her life well.
This woman asked for a second viewing with her sister and contractor and housing agent. The contractor’s opinion was sought for minor renovations like changing old fixtures of windows, polishing the parquet floors, kitchen cabinets and etc. He was greedy. He gave his opinion to change everything that could be detached. This was his chance to make his bucks. He said the parquet flooring had been polished twice and would not take another polishing. He inserted his opinion to sway his potential customer. He desired to get as much as possible out of minor renovations of one apartment. Simultaneously, he painted Penelope in a bad light. She understood and didn’t mind so much but for the fact that he was trying to fleece the buyer.
The only reason why this older woman bought the apartment was because there was a mistake in the floor area stated by Dante and Penelope. The former didn’t check while the latter was too busy and naive to check. She wasn’t holding the title deeds of the apartment and could not read the document to verify the floor area. The viewer’s real estate agent immediately pounced on this error and used it to her client’s advantage. She told her client that the seller made a grave error in calculating the price of the apartment and was selling it at a loss of at least 100 square feet. The buyer immediately seized to capitalize on this mistake. She agreed to buy the apartment.
The buyer’s broker reminded Penelope to clear the apartment before the handover of keys. Penelope got the message that they thought she was dirty and her possessions were equally filthy.
@
Penelope began the long, tedious and sad process of cleaning the apartment and tossing away stuff they didn’t want to bring with them to their next home.
Penelope started with the utility closet, which they had nicknamed The Cockroach Cupboard. They called it the roach cupboard because they used to see at least one cockroach crawling out every time they opened this small, narrow, walk in closet. It was very dark because this closet was situated along the corridor which led to the bedrooms and common bathroom. There was no window that could give this corridor natural light. There was a ceiling light but it was insufficient to shine into the built in closet. The main joy of the closet was that it could remain sequestered in darkness due to its position built into the wall.
The closet’s ceiling lamp was not working. As usual. It had been repaired at least four times in the space of 11 years. One of the electrician told her there was a short circuit. No amount of fiddling could persuade the lamp to stay in working condition for long. As soon as the electrician left, this particular ceiling lamp would not be turned on. Penelope gave up. She bought a ready made light that was activated by sensor. When someone opened the closet door, the movement would activate the light to get switched on. It could be stuck on anywhere via sticky tape. She would not have to use a ladder to climb up to reach the ceiling to paste on this light. She adhered this small light bulb to the middle shelf of this closet.
No sooner had she felt triumphant at cheating the cause of darkness in this closet, her victory was short-lived. The light bulb failed. She checked it. She waved her hand in front of the sensor. No light. She replaced the battery. No. The battery was not the problem.
It was spooky.
Maybe she bought a malfunctioning light bulb. So she bought two more sets for good measure.
She pasted both light bulbs on the shelves of the closet. “Take that,” she said to the closet. When she opened the closet, her movement activated both bulbs. The lights were bright.
Today, she appreciated the bright light in the closet. She could see properly.
She hated this task but it had a ton of stored items and many of them had to be discarded. She was new at packing and cleaning. This was her her first real home and she had moved into this apartment with merely a few plastic bags of clothes. She started buying kitchen utensils, crockery and household items after she moved in. It was easier to fill up an apartment, then to clean out the same said apartment.
Penelope began with the lower tier of the closet. It was at floor level. She took out plastic bags of stuff. She forgot she had those items. What a pity. She could have made use of them and enjoyed their functionality long ago. There was a banner of mango leaves which Andrew brought home. It was for good luck. If only they had strung it up across their main door. Maybe enough good fortune would have entered and her present day circumstances would not have befallen on her. After dreaming about her husband’s mistress, he abandoned her to her own devices. She had scrapped by for as long as she could, before succumbing to circumstances beyond her control. She had depended so much on freelance writing. She failed to set up an alternative source of income. Now she was destitute.
Thoughts ran through her head as she cleared the lowest tier of the closet. She carried the bags to the courtyard where the refuse chute was located. It was painful to toss out stuff which they had bought with their scanty pool of money. Some bags contained freebies which they had collected and accumulated. Those were fun items for leisure and recreation. They never got down to using these because they were so orientated towards doing work for money. The items were dated and worthless. If someone else was around to help her, she might have hauled the bags down to place by the main door of the rubbish collection center. There, residents who walked past may salvage items for their personal use. However, being alone, Penelope could not muster the energy and courage to haul the bags downstairs. She was shy of the neighbors, security guards and other staff of the estate. They would be around to notice and make snide remarks.
Residents were constantly in a state of flux moving out and into this apartment complex. The staff usually spoke derogatorily of residents who moved away. People who couldn’t afford to live in the estate moved out. It was a money issue. Movers were perceived as poor and unable to afford living in the estate. The last snide was to look at these movers with disdain. Penelope didn’t wish to face these gossipers.
Penelope consoled herself. At least, she was able to make herself toss out these. They were junk because they could not be utilized. She lifted the lid of the refuse chute and heaved the bags into the mouth of the dark tunnel. The bags slid down with noises that were proportionate to their weights. The lighter bags fells down with soft sounds. The heavier bags fell with loud crashing sounds.
Discarding these bags did not lighten her load.
Penelope fetched her broom and dustpan. She walked back to the utilities closet. The lowest tier was now visible. Now devoid of the plastic bags that covered its entire floor space, the area looked dirty with dust and cob webs. She gripped the broom and used its bristles to sweep as much of the dust as she could get. It was a small area measuring about three feet wide and two feet deep in. She swept the floor as best as she could. The broom stick knocked against the boundaries of this perimeter as she tried to reach every nook and cranny. It was noisy. She was determined to disturb as much of the undisturbed dust that was allowed to settle there for a large portion of the eleven years they had lived in the apartment.
It was odd that while this closet was famous for harboring cockroaches, not one of them has emerged out of its hiding.
After a few sweeps of the area, Penelope grew obsessed with this sweeping movement. The momentum stuck in her hands. She continued to sweep the area several more times.
Then something flew out. It was a bright ball of light. It was the size of a tennis ball. It flew and floated along at chest height. Penelope recognized it as an orb. The ball of light that allegedly was the existence of a ghost who had low level of energy and couldn’t afford to manifest the appearance of a human shape.
Penelope was too shocked to react. She knew it was an orb but what was it doing in her utilities closet and in her apartment? She stood still while the orb flew out of the closet, along the wall and disappeared.
She was frightened and decided to stop cleaning this closet. She quickly tidied up whatever was necessary to shut the closet. She walked into each of the two bedrooms to search for the orb. Both bedrooms had open windows. “Maybe the orb flew out,” Penelope tried to comfort herself. She kept away the broom and dustpan. In order to stop thinking about the orb and feel fear of ghosts, she knew she had to change the thread of thoughts. She walked to her computer table and sat down to do her work.
She tried to imprint into her mind, the reminder to talk to Andrew about the orb. She decided not to clean that closet again. She would tell Andrew to takeover the task of cleaning the utilities closet. @
After Dante sold the apartment, Penelope emailed Andrew. He could not commit on the date he would return. She had to clean out the junk. She reminded him that she was afraid to touch the utilities closet. He said he would clean it out after he returned.
Andrew returned. Penelope and Yvonne went to greet him at the airport. His return was at night at around 10 pm. They had Burger King at the airport’s fast food restaurant. He had given them information on his flight arrival because he wasn’t going to spring a surprise to catch them unawares. His luggage was surprisingly light after spending four years in China. He pulled along a large luggage and a small cabin suitcase. His desk top computer was in his messenger bag which he carried on his shoulder. Penelope thought it was odd. She couldn’t understand why.
“Is this all you got after four years?”
“Yes.” He was quiet.
They planned to spend a few days in their former apartment before their appointment with the packers to clear the apartment. After that, they would have nothing to use in the apartment, and would have to move to a hotel room.
After their meal, they returned home in a taxi. It was around 12 midnight. There was no time to talk.
Penelope and Yvonne had packed all their belongings into large suitcases. They planned to move into a hotel room near the airport. That way, they would be saved from another trip of transporting volumes of luggage to the airport.
She called a disposal company to come cart the furniture away. A lone man came. She was shocked at the drastic reduction of manpower. There used to be at least two men to attend on every single job. Now, only one man came. He taped bubble wrap around most of the pieces of furniture. He had a heavy duty industrial grade trolley to wheel away the furniture downstairs, where his truck was parked.
They should have told the utilities company to cut the power and water on a day closer to their departure from the apartment. In that way, they would be able to use the apartment until the very last day possible. That would save them money on their hotel board and lodging.
She asked Andrew, “When should I tell the utilities company to cut the supplies?” Penelope had no idea. She was paralyzed by uncertainty.
He could not answer for a long time.
“What’s wrong? When is a good date to disconnect electricity and water?”
“Okay, tell the utility man to disconnect on the 7th of the month of – .”
Penelope wrote down the date.
All too soon, that day came. The utilities worker was punctual. He read their meters for the last time and left.
Then Yvonne had a stomachache. She had to use the toilet to poop. The cistern had no water to flush.
Andrew said, “I’ll go downstairs to the clubhouse toilet to fetch water. Give me a large bottle to collect water.”
Penelope looked in the kitchen. She had a few large plastic bottles and handed one to Andrew. He returned after some time.
“I couldn’t get water from the clubhouse toilet. I had to ask the gardener to give me water from his hose. I was lucky to find him watering the plants outside the clubhouse.”
“We’ll leave immediately after I get water to flush down this mess. We shouldn’t stay here a minute longer. She might poop again and then I’ll have to continue the cycle of fetching water to flush the toilet.”
.Penelope laughed. It was just like Andrew to re-phrase the situation to make it sound humorous.
When Penelope, Andrew and Yvonne first moved into their next apartment complex, the security guards despised them. Andrew started off on the wrong foot. He gave the impression they were very poor, when he walked for miles dragging their luggage trolley laden with cardboard boxes. He said he wanted to save money by walking and exercising. He said by walking while moving their personal belongings, he would save money from taxi trips and bus fares. The guards gossiped about him being too poor to afford a moving truck.
Moha, a burly man in his 30s, had black patches on his face. The fearsome black patches which were secondary clinical symptoms of skin disease caused by a primary factor so deadly that the name would send shivers down the spine.
He tried to befriend Penelope, but failed. Consequently, he was angry and spiteful. He wanted to take revenge. He spread malicious gossip about Penelope being a loose woman. After a few years, Moha eventually discovered he had the fearsome disease without a permanent cure. He tried to befriend Penelope because he needed money to treat his illness. He required medication to decrease the viral load in his body. He used thought waves to send his message to Penelope. “Do you want?” he signed. Penelope ignored his message. She was disgusted. She knew he was terminally ill. She was never turned on by him. She had no intention of messing by the side and picking up the deadly disease. Moha had no scruples about infecting women and men. He only cared about himself; to get money to buy medication for his continued survival.
Moha’s vulnerable colleagues believed his lies. How could their trusted colleague lie to them? How could one of their kind hoodwink them and use them as weapons against a woman who lived in the very estate they worked in for their survival? Of course they believed Moha and his gossip. The men stayed away from Penelope. They even slighted her intentionally because they believed she was immoral and dirty. They would ignore her when they walked past her. They would say “Good morning” or “Good afternoon” or “Good evening” to anyone else but her.
Penelope knew they discriminated against her because Moha had slandered her. Initially, she was puzzled and hurt. Later, after she heard Moha gossiping even in front of her, she understood his ego was hurt and he was exacting revenge. Penelope was humble and she didn’t think she needed to be greeted and accorded respect. She didn’t need lecherous men to greet her. She didn’t need to correct mis-information propaganda about her.
What good would it do? What good would it do to have lecherous men corrected on their views about her? They would only be encouraged to disturb her more often. At least, when they fear catching infectious disease from her, they would avoid her.
Old Man Jim made big efforts to avoid touching her if they crossed paths while walking through the estate and neighborhood. He would turn his body away from her. If he was walking along a wall, he would turn his body towards the wall and skirt the wall like a spider. He showed his disgust on having to share the footpath with Penelope. Spider Jim, who pretended to be clean and virtuous, would turn his body to face the wall, to show he was avoiding touching Penelope as they passed each other along the narrow pedestrian footpath.
Karma is a righteous divinity. In 2018, Jim was diagnosed with a blood disorder. It would be fatal for him, as it will be for anyone who contracts this disease. He who was afraid of catching diseases, has contacted one to preempt other people from passing a disease to him. Now that he was infectious, he was no longer afraid of touching Penelope or other people. He had power. He had the power to infect his enemies with disease.
He was scared. He was afraid of death. He wasn’t ready to die. He wanted money to buy his life back, in dollars, one day at a time. The amount of time he could buy was proportionate to the number of dollars he could pay for his medications. He needed meds every day. He would live for yet another day if he had money to pay for his medication for that day and the number of days ahead.
Jim was ready to backtrack and sacrifice his ideals in exchange for cash. He decided he would try to date Penelope to extract cash from her. When he saw her walking up the footpath from far away, he would walk towards her direction. He smiled his most gleaming grin. To save himself from humiliation, he turned his face sideways, so that only his profile would be visible to Penelope. He watched her reaction from out of the corner of his left eye.
Penelope was surprised to see Jim loitering around the start of the footpath heading out to the main gate. What was he doing there? Why was he smiling? He had never smiled at her before. he was often gruff, to the point of rude.
Penelope was suspicious and ignored him. She walked past the main gate and was off on her way.
Jim staged a conversation with Rhonda at the main gate, while Penelope was returning back to the apartment complex. The drama was for her benefit, because Penelope missed the main event where he had set her up to see him smiling like a crocodile. She didn’t respond to Jim because she knew he hated her and ditto for her. When your enemy backtracks suddenly and wants to befriend you, there can be nothing good to come out of this.
Apparently, Rhonda was asking Jim about his health. He spoke in his low tone. Rhonda’s higher pitched voice was audible.
“Go and ask for donations.” she said to Jim.
“She doesn’t care,” he replied.
Penelope felt the hairs on her arms standing. She was always afraid when people wanted to ask for money. She had been down that path. When she was penniless, nobody even recommended a credible part-time job for her. On the contrary, several women and men neighbors in the old estate had asked her to work for free. (Like she could live on air and water.) They wished she would take care of their children and give them tuition so that they would perform well academically in school. Penelope couldn’t say a polite rejection so she kept quiet instead. She wished she could have more time to do more work, to earn more money. She didn’t want to donate her time away. Besides, these women and men were affluent enough to hire their own maid, nanny, tutor and whoever they require. She, on the other hand, lived from hand to mouth. They had at least two adults in their family. She had only herself.
Eventually, she lost the apartment. She hatched the plan to take shelter with Andrew’s parents but that didn’t work out. Her mother-in-law from hell verbally abused her. Then it progressed to physical abuse. Penelope had high blood pressure and skin disease. The neighbor were retired doctors. The woman doctor came to see Penelope. She brought her sphygmomanometer to take her reading. Then lied she had perfect pressure of 120. Andrew too her to his friend’s wife, a lady doctor who diagnosed her as having malnutrition.
Penelope realized that after moving into a new neighborhood, little had changed. The location had changed but the category of people remained the same. In this present estate, the staff are trying to con money out of her. Rhonda earned a cool $8000 per month. She should be donating towards Jim’s medical treatment. Penelope wasn’t earning that much. She was lucky if she made a fraction of that amount. Rhonda was instigating Jim to beg for a donation from her personal savings.
Old Man Jim was really old. His head of hair was shockingly snow white. He refused to concede to impending old age and its medley of accompanying illnesses. he insisted he was younger than Penelope and had a good many years ahead of him.
Hanson was standing nearby. He tried to console his colleague. He said, “She’s still young. She needs money.”
“She’s old. She should give her money to me for my medical treatment.” Jim said loud enough for Penelope to hear. She ignored him because she knew this was a psychological warfare to break her resolution of avoiding entanglement.
@
Andrew’s parents were aware he had left Penelope and was living in another country. They were a party to his cheating. They could have talked to him about his wilful separation from his wife and daughter. They could have used their influence as his parents, to condemn his cheating behaviors. Instead, they allowed Andrew to be the king of his own life.
People who are witnesses to events happening and don’t intervene are participants in the misdeeds too.
Penelope was an enabler for Andrew to cheat on her.
Andrew was an enabler to his mother’s treatment of Penelope. In turn, Penelope’s mother-in-law was an enabler for Andrew to continue cheating on Penelope. Everyone else was an enabler for Andrew to conduct his affair.
The opening non-event which warned her Andrew was conducting a candescent affair, was The Dream. The inciting event that changed the course of their marriage and lives, was when he hopped and left for a foreign country. As if this wasn’t enough, Penelope faced up to the truth when her sister-in-law bluntly told her the reason why Andrew wanted privacy and freedom to maintain his personal relationship with his girlfriend. Penelope survived for a few years. Then came the internet’s major overhaul of search algorithm and her sole source of part-time income crashed. She contacted Andrew for help. He was non-committed but it was enough to be a midpoint reversal to reconcile their split. Without a shelter, Penelope had to move in with her in-laws. This fermented into several explosions of temper and festered physical, emotional and psychological abuse. This string of events became her second major crisis. She truly had no road to walk. Then a life line was thrown at her. A saint in heaven took pity on her and intervened. Penelope grabbed the line and embarked on another journey.
After Andrew returned to Penelope, he cheated on her in a different way. He left her to face the wrath of his mother, who had explicitly asked the both of them to adopt two other teenagers. His mother abused Penelope in every way she could. She verbally harassed Penelope. She would walk up to Penelope and start ranting her angry tirade. Sometimes, she would season her talk by spitting on the ground.
The old woman could not accept the fact that Penelope was unsuitable to adopt children. She repeated her abuse on a daily basis. She began to develop O.C.D. on abusing Penelope. Not one day passed without her abusing Penelope. She became habituated to enact this particular behavior every day. She did different types of abuse to fulfill her addiction of abusing Penelope. It was like she had to do her daily fix of abusing Penelope.
Penelope was as quiet as a mouse while her MILFH abused her mentally, physically, and emotionally. The old woman instigated other family members to disrespect Penelope. She denied meals to Penelope, who had to prepare food for herself. She intentionally neglected Penelope. When Penelope performed extra chores like washing the dishes, mopping the floors or cooking the extra set of meals for the in-laws, credit was not acknowledged. Instead, the MILFH pretended the housework was done by someone else. The old woman acted like there was a Doblin in the house who allegedly did all the housework.
She disallowed Penelope to cook in the kitchen for her own meals because the latter was disinterested to adopt more children. A secondary reason was because the stove had only two functional burners and MILFH wanted to use both burners simultaneously whenever she was in the kitchen to do her cooking chores.
The old woman desired to starve Penelope into submission. Penelope had to eat raw food because the kitchen was not accessible to her to cook food for her meals. She was happy to eat fruit as they were meant to be eaten raw and tasted good. She bought vegetables that could be consumed in their raw form. Veggies like carrot, cucumber, lettuce, turnip, tomato. She ate as much raw greens as she could until the day her stomach rebelled against her. She suffered a bout of diarrhea. Then she thought of a ruse to bypass her MILFH’s objection to cook in her kitchen. She would wake up as early as possible in the wee hours of the morning, to cook her food for the day. She would cook a pot of carbohydrates to last her three meals. She would boil a soup of mixed vegetables to eat with the carb. She would be able to complete her cooking before her MILFH woke up at 6:45 am. Using this strategy, she would win at the game of denying her the use of the kitchen for cooking. She would be ensured of having cooked food to eat for breakfast, lunch and dinner. How cool is that?
The only days when Penelope could use the stove during the daylight hours which was not from 6:45 am to 9:30 pm, was when MILFH was too sick to get up to do cooking. On these days, Penelope had to use the kitchen from 7 am to dinnertime, to cook or warm up food for MILFH and father-in-law. Andrew sometimes ate with his parents. Other times, he ate Penelope’s stash of food which was cooked earlier in the wee hours of dawn. Sometimes Andrew went out to see his friends and he ate outside home.
Eating food is not an entitlement with MILFH.
Penelope wants to live happily ever after but happiness is elusive.
This story is not complete. It all began when Penelope dreamed of her husband meeting with his girlfriend. How will it end? The writer will continue this narrative. Please return to this webpage if you’re interested to know what happened next.
If we had not said it during the lifetime of the deceased, would we have said it now to them, when they have become a ghost? Does it matter? What we desire to say can only be defensive arguments.
Where Reasons End by Yiyun Li:
This is a fiction inspired by the authoress’ experiences processing her grief after the suicide of her son, Vincent Kean Li, at the age of 16, in 2017. She has one another living son named James. Yiyun Li is a professor teaching creative writing. Ms. Li wrote her book, Where Reasons End, to pay tribute to Vincent.
In the book, the author’s son is named as Nikolai. This is also the name of a boy which the character Nikolai wrote, in a short story. In using the same name, Ms. Li may have desired to convey the message that her fictional character Nikolai wrote his story of a boy named Nikolai, to hint that the self written story was about himself. In the course of the novel, the author revealed that the character’s teachers had warned her that her son Nikolai had written about boys dying in a school project. To Nikolai’s mother, this meant nothing. She even asked Nikolai about this and he said they were only made up stories.
Here, I would like to point out that in the study of psychology, we are asked to pay attention to signs of severe depression, self harm, and talk of suicide; which is similar to talk of dying. I would interpret this episode as a sign of depression, and nurturing thoughts of suicide. I would raise the alarm. The person needs a psychiatrist.
A working mother has less time to spend on her children. She does not harp on trivial incidents. Until the crash.
The author does not explain how her female character is able to talk to her dead son, until quite late in the book. Her encounters are in dreams of him. She wrote that she dreamed of him. Yiyun Li (the author) writes that Nikolai’s ghost comes and goes.
I have mixed feelings about recommending this book. The character Nikolai’s mother, may be having unfinished business with him. Maybe she could not understand why he chose to commit suicide. Maybe that was why Yiyun Li named her book, “Where Reasons End”. There were no reasons to explain and justify suicide.
#PaidLnik #ad that gives me a small #CommissionsEarned if there is a sale.
- Intervention for attempted suicide.
Suicide is an act of behavior. A person who is psychotic may show one of its typical features, which is negative symptoms. The patient shows “marked reduced amount or fluency of speech, and loss of the will to do things (avolition)” (Morrison, p.60). This may influence the person to commit suicide, because of psychotic symptoms, due to schizophrenia. So, a patient with schizophrenia may replaced on the suicide watch. - A negative mood may be due to another medical condition, as “A variety of medical and neurological conditions can produce depressive symptoms” (Morrison, p.109).
- Secondly, the low mood can be caused by “substance/ medication-induced depressive disorder” (Morrison, p.109). Lastly, “Other specified, or unspecified, depressive disorder” may be the reason.
- Resources to manage a patient who’s attempted suicide, or exposed thoughts of trying suicide:
Clinical InterviewThe patient is observed and questioned on their feelings, thoughts and areas of difficulty. A person who harbours thoughts of self-harm, may be in distress, have tangible problems, lack family support and network of resources. The therapist should ask specific questions on depression, self-harm, suicide ideation, suicide intent and history of self-harm and suicide attempts. - Interview of family members
- Informed consent is obtained from the patient, to speak to their immediate family members. The therapist should ask about the patient’s behaviors, moods and history of illnesses. The family’s history with psychiatric illnesses should be recorded. Medical historyThe country has a database to store patient’s clinical records, if they have used the state run clinic and hospitals. It is best for the patient to visit the same clinic, which can retrieve medical records, to understand the patient’s background and problems. Depression and suicide ideation can be caused by medical conditions like deficiencies in red blood cells, thyroid hormone, and other vitamins. The blood test and analysis will show the results. Neurological testsIf the patient has suffered brain trauma, they may experience decline in cognitions, and increase in negative effect. The MRI would indicate this. In the absence of brain injury, one should examine closely the genetic and diet factors.
- Laboratory Test:
- The patient must submit to blood and urine tests. The results will show the presence of substances or medication-induced depressive disorder. The treatment/ intervention will be designed according to counter the presence of discovered compounds in the samples.
- Physical examination:
- A GP is required to conduct a physical checkup. Blood pressure is recorded. Blood sugar level can be measured using a portable blood glucometer. The result is immediate and emergency treatment can be administered, to counter the low or high blood glucose. The doctor asks questions on the patient’s appetite, sleeping pattern, level of stress, presence of problems and etc. Problems may cause a patient to feel negative mood.
- Money:
- The patient or caretaker must have money, to pay for access to resources like a doctor, laboratory tests, psychotherapy with a psychiatrist/ psychotherapist/ psychologist. The type of resources available to them will depend on how much they can afford to spend. Without the primary resource of money, the patient has to find a free resource, like a free clinic. There are agencies and organization who run free clinics. There are also state-run clinics which charge nominal fees for consultation, tests and prescriptive medication.
- Psychological evaluation:
- The cheapest form of mental health evaluation can be obtained from the state’s Institute of Mental Health.
- Information on the next-of-kin:
- The patient should supply basic information like his ID number, address, home telephone number, name of next-of-kin, and their contact numbers. If the patient had attempted suicide, they will be detained and hospitalised, under the suicide watch. The next-of-kin will be notified. The police will be able to trace and inform the family members.
- Hospital bed:
- It is compulsory to admit patients who have attempted suicide, to stay for around two weeks. The patient will be observed and treated during this time. A hospital bed should be available in the facility which has done the lab tests, physical checkup and psychiatric evaluation. If a bed is unavailable in a desired ward, the patient should be housed in the next suitable ward. If the facility fails to meet basic requirements, the hospital should consult another hospital, to arrange for the transfer of patient.
If the patient is unable to give consent for treatment, permission is sought from the next-of-kin. If the patient is unable to sign on forms for decisions, the signing can be done by the next-of-kin. - Legal issues:
- If the person is in a position that needs protection from cheating, then the next-of-kin may have to file an application, like a court petition, to get appointment for Power of Attorney, to be in charge of the personal affairs of the patient.
- Moral support:
- During the patient’s stay in hospital, their family members, close relatives, and friends, should pay regular visits, to see the patient. This will help to boost the morale, confidence and self-esteem of the patient. Support from a wide network of people will help the patient to recover from mental and emotional stress.
- Counseling:
- Patient is counselled. Clinical interviews will help to get feedback, to monitor the progress. The treatment plan can be modified to take care of necessary areas. Psychological tests and other assessments are conducted to ensure that the patient has returned to normality. The doctors, nurses and all other healthcare professionals in contact with the patient, must be in agreement that the patient is well enough to be discharged. The patient is advised of the polo resources available, to assist in the recovery.
- Telephone helplines in Singapore:
- Samaritans of Singapore (SOS)1800-221-4444
- Tinkle Friend for school students1800-2744-788
- Singapore Association for Mental Health1800-283-7019
- Mental Health Helpline6389-2222
- Aware SOS Helpline1800-221-4444
- Reference
- Morrison, J. (2014). DSM-5 Made Easy: The Clinician’s Guide to diagnosis. The Guilford Press: New York.
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Tags –
grief, death, suicide, depression, processing grief, afterlife, The Other Side, conversations with ghost
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On the other hand, if your culture taught you that a cemetery is a negative place, then you will interpret this dream as a warning of bad luck.